1085

This past week was Leila's prep concert and they all did amazingly well.  The show was choreographed, no-one forgot their steps, they sang enthusiastically and Leila was one of a few children chosen to read a speech aloud to the audience.  We were so proud of her, so clear, confident and well spoken.  Behind the scenes she was explaining that her tummy felt all funny and her hands were shaky, but she hid that completely.

It's gorgeous to see not just your child, but all the classmates who you've come to know so well, also doing well, having gotten off to such a wonderful start of their long education journey.

1083

I'm feeling a little scroogie today.  Every year I've made a fuss of Halloween with the girls.  Last year was the first time we went out trick or treating, but that was on a pre-arranged route with kinder friends.  I have always dressed up, made crazy dinners and that kind of thing, but this year I feel tapped out of enthusiasm.

I conceded to buying some lollies if others come a-knocking, but seriously, we don't need more sugar in our lives.  I was complaining to Geoff about disappointing the girls, it's basketball practice, I have to make dinner blah blah blah I don't want to be a misery to which he responded, just be a parent and say no.

We're lucky, our girls are super reasonable and have never been prone to tantrums, but still I find it hard to say no and disappoint them, I feel ill at ease with just saying no without a really good reason.  The reality is I just don't feel like it and for some reason that makes me feel like a mean mum.  Stay tuned, tomorrow I could well be complaining because I took them and was peeved every moment!

1013

This is parenting in a way, in one image.  Your children reach a point where they start to rush on in front of you and you're left to try and keep up.

Leila is my baby and will always be.  Many have said the same before me, I am well aware of that, but she just is, my babe.  It's hard to watch her moving away, making her own path and walking confidently down it. I've said before that she's been a revelation to me, so different to her sister.  I've learned so much from being her mother, she's taught me how to be what she needs and I feel proud of how I mother her.

Time flies and it's hard to remember Ella's first day but that's another journey that is also moving too fast.

Today was a success.  She was happy after school, although tired.  She ate some food, though not much.  She went to the toilet "lots of times" and didn't lose her friends in the playground.  She made a new friend in the playground from another prep class, Abbey, and they found each other again at lunchtime.  She still wanted to cuddle with me on her bed, shared a freddo from the "Parental Survival Kit" and with her and Ella home again, all was right in this house.

I hope your little ones fared as well.

991

End of an era today with Leila's last day of kindergarten and now not so many days between us and school.

The day was a success and I got my tears out of the way ahead of time.  She sang so enthusiastically and has grown and gained so much from our lovely little kindergarten.  I had to make a presentation to the teachers at the end and in my short speech I noted that at the start of our kinder journey I thought only of play dough and finger painting.  I never anticipated the impact kinder would have on all our lives.  Friendships formed, new life skills learned and for our children the kinder teachers have been the most influential adults outside of our family and they have learnt so much from them.

Leila leaves kinder a happy, confident and socially able young girl.  Three years back I could not see beyond the next week and now I feel sure that school will be a new challenge that she will excel in.

984

I'm not a fan of hand held games, consoles, whatever, nor wii's and playstations, but clearly children are.  Our girls haven't had any of any of them and many years ago I said to Ella that I would not buy her a DS until she had entered awkward teenage years and was being so unpleasant that I didn't want to talk to her - only then could she have one.  Whilst we are enjoying each other's company so much, I would resist.  There was one proviso, if she herself could save up enough money to buy one, then she could have one.....

So today, after over 12-18 months of saving birthday money, doing jobs and saving homework, she purchased her own DS.  A quick browse on the Target website showed they'd dropped prices by a whopping $50 - meaning she had enough for the console and inexpensive game.  There have been times when she's been down about how long it's taken to save, but hasn't dipped into her money, hasn't given up, and even when offered the difference as her birthday present, resisted and said she wanted to do it herself.

She was so proud of herself, counted out her money proudly and is enjoying a period of no restraints on how long she can play.  We're proud of her persistence, patience and that she did it all herself.  Lessohs for all of us.

976

The last kindergarten Christmas party we'll attend as members of our lovely kinder.

01.  focussing on the magician  02. we hear a fire engine.....  03.  Leila escorting into the party with his sack of goodies  04.  sister love.

972

It's getting tough, the realisation that there are now only 11 more kinder sessions for Leila, EVER!  I know that I've had another year, been lucky enough to have my babe with me for 12 months longer than many, but still, it doesn't seem enough.

With Leila being a January babe she always misses out on celebrating her birthday with her kinder pals.  This year I was organised and as Geoff and I were able to do kinder duty together, before all the Christmas festivities begin, we asked if we could mark Leila's day today.

Friends sang to her, she got to lead activities and then she had selected little treats to share with her friends at the end of the session.

 I know Leila is ready to embark on her school adventure, today also marks a third week of prep transition.  I know she's going to enjoy it, be able to hold her own, learn, thrive and make friends.  I do know all of that, but I will miss her dreadfully.  My emotions are not unique by any stretch, but with no babe at my ankles it's the end of an era, one that I'm not really sure I'm ready to move beyond.  BUT, she's happy, she's ready and I've still got another 60 66 days before I have to walk her in the gate!

952

I didn't realise today would be so eventful, or at least so memorable, for me.  We met at kinder and took a walk to the school that will steal away my babe next year.  I jest, a little, at the steal part, but next year she starts a new journey. It's silly but to even mention makes my heart ache and the tears well up.  Our journey wasn't always easy, mine and leilas, which is perhaps why it means so much to me, but also because I guess my life will begin a new chapter as a mum without children at home.

We walked together and once at school divided into three smaller groups and rotated through the three class rooms, joining the preps and meeting the teachers.  Leila recognised some faces in one of the classes but not really in the other two. But she held her own.  She didn't look small, she looked young, but my babe looked like she belonged.

In the final class they went outside skipping with ropes, something leila has not done before.  She found it hard to get the hang of it, until a prep girl sweetly asked "would you like me to show you how?" And she silently nodded yes please.

Finding her way in the world makes me proud, but sad.  As parents we raise our children up and try to make them confident enough to face the world with enthusiasm and without fear.  At times I wondered if she would get there and that process meant that I had her to hold on my lap for a year longer than I expected,but even that time is drawing to a close.  She has been such a constant companion to me, an incredibly generous and loving child and right now I can't imagine how I will survive my days without her.  I know the idea is that parents are jumping up and down with enthusiasm for all the me time they have when school starts, but right now all I can see is how terribly lonely it will be without her.

Perhaps because I struggled in the early days and again in her 3rd year, there were times when I wished myself ahead to a different time.  There were times when I forgot to breathe it in, to enjoy those precious moments because I lost sight of the whole picture and focussed only on the challenge.  It's a cliche, but it is so because it's true - time goes so fast, we really need to remember to drink it all in and enjoy it, while we can.

886

As I was considering this post I wondered if it was correct to categorise it as a bragging post, but then thought no, it's all about positive affirmation for me, as a mother.

It's very easy to judge ourselves harshly, as mothers.  I imagine there might be some women out there who are confident of the job that they do, who rarely or never experience self doubt, or concern that they are damaging their children in some way, but I'm not one of them.  I actually, and this is as close to bragging as I'll get, I actually think I do a pretty good job.  How do I judge that?  Well, my girls are firstly happy, for the majority of the time.  We spend a lot of time together, happily, and I consider them both articulate, sociable, polite children and I guess I acknowledge that I (and of course Geoff) have had a lot to do with that.  Even with all that good stuff, I still worrying I'm doing things wrong.

So, with that in mind....  Yesterday Leila's kinder group hosted a Mother's Day morning tea.  The children made scones, whipped the jam, set the little tables with tablecloths and arranged vases of flowers for us.  We had a little music performance then shared their cooking together, all very pleasant.  The highlight, however, was in a display book that their wonderful teacher, Miss Annette, had put together.  For each child there were two pages.  On the left was a picture painted by each child of their mother - Leila is a really good drawer so it was almost a mirror image of me, aside of course from the purple hair and bright red cheeks!  The entertaining page (and p.a. side of things) was to the right of the painting.  Each child had been asked the same questions by Miss Annette and she had recorded their answers for all to see.  I don't yet have the copy so can only share a few key answers that I remember.

Q  What is your mummy's favourite thing to do?
A   Spend time with me and Ella.

Q   What makes your mummy most happy?
A    Spending time with me, dadda and Ella.

Q   What do you and your mummy do together?
A   All sorts of things.  We do sewing, gardening, we make bread (I love my mum's bread), we play monopoly, and I like to make up soup recipes with my mum which I make and mummy drinks. (hence the photo above)

Q    What does your mummy smell like?
A     Perfume.

Q    How old is your mummy?
A    Something like 32.

Clearly the last two questions are lovely from a vanity perspective, but the others I found really telling.  I looked at some of the other mum's comments and some of them, well I felt so sorry for the mums and for the children if the answers were accurate.  One stuck out when asked "what do you do together?" and the child answered "nothing, mummy's always tired from tidying up all the mess I make so she just likes to watch tele".

Now I know that children don't always present things EXACTLY as they are, but for me, I found this really, really the greatest gift of all.  Forget what anyone else thinks because honestly, what my three best guys think is what matters most to me.  But really, my littlest girl thinks that the most important things to me are being with her, just spending time together and that's what makes me happiest.  You know what she's right and I feel great to know that she knows it.

857

Some days I find it harder to parent than I do on others. I feel tired today, a little lack lustre and would love to just do things for me. It's not a case of not loving my babes, not wanting to be with them, but some days it's just harder.

What I find a challenge, on days such as these, is the guilt. I feel so guilty for just feeling a little can't be bothered. Getting out the coloured card and making a Rapunzel tower just isn't so appealing but not making it causes that guilty feeling.

I'm not a big fan of tv for children, although don't misunderstand me, my girls do watch tv. I personally just feel ..... guilty if I use it as a babysitting tool. I limit its use to 30 minutes, otherwise I feel like an utter failure. Summoning up the energy to go for a bike ride feels too much but gosh, that makes me feel ..... lazy.

There's been plenty written about Mother Guilt I know, but it still surprises me. My recompense for inactivity and lack of enthusiasm today, will be donning my togs and submitting myself to a public bathing exercise before swimming classes today. I'll play a hungry crocodile, be the Fairy King and nibble my little ones toes when she's not looking. I'm not looking forward to it right now, but I'll do it anyway and I guarantee that within moments I'll be giggling with her and my guilt will just melt away. I'll try and remember that when I'm next having a moment, that they are only .... moments.

848

First length 4YO session today, 4 hours - it seems such a long time, but I'm so grateful it's not school, not this year. She was anxious, but no tears. New rules, new teachers, new faces, but the trampoline remains unchanged.

I do hope she had a good day.

788

This little one certainly keeps me on my toes. I could never say I have it all figured out where she is concerned. So tough and self assured one moment, like a timid little cat the next, hiding under the bed just waiting to be coaxed out.

These photos are a study in pigtails - so gorgeous for her first day back at kinder. Upon arrival there were "too many looks" and despite my assurances that it was because she was so delicious, they were duly removed by mum. At least I have the photos.

723

I find food and small children quite, quite frustrating.

Both our girls were really good when small, up to the age of about 2 1/2 I would say. They would pretty much eat anything in front of them. Then they got fussier and I got more weak willed and we've found ourselves where we are.

We've given them too much choice at times. I don't remember choice as a child, it was what it was, take it or leave it. I'm well aware that sometimes there is simply too much conversation on some things and food is one of the main ones.

So, last week the girls and I made a decision (or I made it and they agreed to go along with it). Every Monday night (the one night we don't have after school commitments) we three, the girls and I, will have family dinner together at the dining table (rather than me sitting watching them eat their dinner in the kitchen). I will eat with the girls but we will eat something new to them and they have to try it. We discussed what try means and I said that I wouldn't make anything I knew they would dislike, but it would be things new to them. I would therefore expect them to eat as much of it as they liked, but give it a red hot go.

So tonight we had macaroni cheese with bacon in it. It's not a complicated dish, but the girls aren't good with sauces, so this was a way of introducing them to something different. My rationale - you like butter, you like flour, you like cheese, you like milk? Yes, well then you like cheese sauce.

Was it successful? Well they didn't complain and they ate a very small amount without fuss. I have to be in a very patient mindset, very accepting and encouraging and not exhausted. We'll persevere because honestly, we have to move more towards shared meals as they get older, so the groundwork has to go in now.

I know I could argue that dessert shouldn't figure in the scheme of this new arrangement, but honestly, I'm trying to coax them, and if a little cheats apple tart helps them on their way, I'm all for it.

710

This afternoon two things happened very close together that led me down this thought path.

The first was that I caught sight of a photograph on our screen saver of Leila, around 2 years old, in swimming classes just before we gave them up. The second was that Leila called to me from the kitchen to show me that she'd spelled out her name on the fridge. Those two things together made me realise just how far this little girl has come, all on her own.

On the swimming, it's a long story, but we had a issues with the teacher and the class format so we decided to stop. It was all too hard. We haven't done formal lessons since then, over 2 years now, but Leila has doggedly taught herself to swim. Now don't get me wrong, she can't swim laps, but she has taught herself how to float, how to doggy paddle, how to dive underwater, all the classic things. I've had little to do with that at all aside from presenting her with time to play in water. You can't force learning on this little one.

The spelling is easier, she's no different to most children, she loves to learn and if you make it into a "school house game" she's up for anything. They also feel such pride in being able to write their own name, then yours and their siblings.

So, this train of thought made me realise anew that I wish I'd thought more or realised sooner that it's fine just to let your children find their own way, in their own time. I don't think I've ever really pushed my kids into anything, but I've been guilty of having expectations of them achieving certain things at certain times. From the time our babies are born we're measuring them in every way imaginable against every other baby. Isn't that a little strange? It implies, at least in some way, that we're measuring their normality in a way and my gosh, do you know anyone who is truly normal?

My girls are delightful, funny, intelligent, beautiful and most of all happy. I will try never again to be guilty of pushing forwards if they just want to stand still for a while longer and, think about it, whatever it may be.

646

Poor babe, we just seem to get over one hurdle and another presents itself. Last week we had two nights in a row of extreme nightmares, shaking in her boots nightmares. Now, we a result, is an inability to be away from me, at any time. I can't move a foot left or right without my shadow literally hanging onto my pants. As I type this she's fallen asleep on my lap waiting for me to come and sit with her in the lounge. She's snoring quite loudly.

I need to remember to slow down with this babe. When there was only one child it was easy to lose a day to a temperature, a downhearted mood, but with two, school runs, working part time, I find that so much harder to do. I guess it's because all the other stuff (the washing, the cooking, the work), if I don't do it, then I find that gets me down. As middle aged as I know this sounds, a clean tidy house makes me feel clean and tidy too!

However, for now I'm going to carry this snoring child, sit in the lounge with her hopefully asleep at my side, spit the pips on the few remaining cherries and work quietly on these.

632

Thank you all for your very thoughtful and helpful comments. I need to relax. I have to resist overthinking things so much; I'm going to stop, listen more, play more and just see how she goes.

We had a lovely walk today, a mother child walk, leisurely, stopped more often than walking. Picking every flower that hung over a fence; collecting sunny boys from the footpath, checking for fairy houses and stopping to make leaf whistles.

In the years to come one of the things I'll miss most about no longer having small children, is that special and unique company on the most routine of outings. Walking with a small child, simply to the shop to get the newspaper, well it's so so special and I realise as time passes, how much I'll miss them. It actually makes my heart ache just thinking about it.

631

Oh my littlest one, things just don't always come as easy for her.

I've been worrying about this for quite a while now, months, but thought perhaps, perhaps, the issue had resolved itself. I realise now though that it hasn't, but the answer is still unclear to me.

3 year old kinder has not been a resounding success for us, not this time around. We started off well but in mid 2nd term during a bad spell of illnesses for teachers as well as children, she had an unfortunate incident with her teacher. It was a case of being unwell and a little impatient on the part of the teacher and not remembering to recognise the differences in children's reactions to situations. As a result Leila did not want to go to kinder for a long time, a long time. It was very distressing for all of us. We spent 1 1/2 terms staying at every session of kinder, as I personally am not a supporter of the "leave them crying and they'll get over it" approach.

I then had it raised with me that perhaps another year of 3 year old kinder would be a good idea. She is on the younger end, with an early January birthday, but another year, well I wasn't sure that was the answer either. Then things started to pick up, but then last week we had an incident with an older sibling, very nasty and it shook her (and me to be truthful).

So, I don't know what to do. Today wasn't a good day and I've come home obviously thoughtful about what to do and what's best. There are only 6 girls in our class of around 20 children and none of those girls are very outgoing or confident. There is one girl that she is friends with and they both seem to need the other there for support to make them able to cope, but I'm not sure they are really good friends. Then there's the issue of schools moving forward, most of the children in her year will feed through to the other main primary school, I've had that conversation with our teacher, so whomever she may befriend won't follow her to school.

I'm wondering if another 3 year old year would help. She needs more confidence in how to hold herself in that type of social setting. She's certainly not shy, not at all, she's funny, charming, entertaining and really a happy girl. The only way I can think to explain is that she's socially insecure, in that type of setting. It doesn't stay all session or all day, but it's there.

Ideally I want her to meet more children with whom she feels secure and valued. Unfortunately it hasn't worked that way this year. Perhaps staying back another year, a new group of children, but what then. She'll be a year older starting school, I don't know.

If you know the answer, or faced (or are facing) the same issues for your babes, I'd love to hear any pearls you have to share.

630

Another love token from my babe.

Trying to keep things simple right now as situations are getting a little tricky. Working two days a week ticks along nicely until it doesn't. My MIL had a hip replacement 6 weeks ago and all started off really well but now there have been complications so we continue to be minus 50% childcare, now until who knows. We're juggling for now, but add in husband's travelling and support carers going away and it gets, tricky.

Is anything ever without complication? Sometimes I think if I stayed home full time it would be easier, but we know that has many challenges of its own too. I do tend to get less fraught these days, what can you do? No point expending energy that we have all too little of, getting wound up about those things which you can't control. Plough on and work through.

629

Sometimes your children surprise you, I mean really surprise you.

While I was working on some dolls I asked Leila what she would like to do while I sewed. Would you like to draw, or paste, make something with play doh? I want to sew mummy, was her reply. She's only 3, so my first thoughts were that she was too young, but I resisted and went to get some hessian. That didn't cut it. I want proper sewing material mum. We compromised with felt.

I kid you not, although she's clearly seen me sewing often, this is the first time she's ever sewn, ever! The needle was not a blunt one, but she didn't prick herself once. She didn't get the thread tangled over the side once. She went front to back in a very relaxed manner.

She helped herself to the beads and sewed them on, alone. She picked out the buttons and sewed them on without instruction. This is all her. Can you tell that I'm gushing?

So, children can surprise you. I, or perhaps more collectively we, tend to make assumptions about what a child can do, but if you don't give them the chance to try, you won't know what they're truly capable of.

And did I mention that she's only 3 1/2!

606

As a mother, a parent, for the most part I think I do a pretty good job. On occasions there are things I wish I'd given more consideration to in advance, in terms of really thinking about how I would tackle a particular parenting issue, before I was in the midst of that very issue, but overall there isn't a lot of angst.

There is one thing, however, that has always been of issue but lately has escalated to a higher level of frustration, disappointment and now, hurt. It's food, particularly dinner time.

As a babe to about the age of 2 Ella was amazing and would eat everything in front of her, every single thing without question and seemed to enjoy it all. I don't know what happened at age 2, but from that point on what she would eat narrowed and narrowed and narrowed then with the arrival of Leila and then the two of them eating together, it's now at crisis point for me.

They don't like so many things and also the cliches hold true, I'll put extra effort into making something new that I think they'll really like, only to have it barely tasted.

Food, cooking, eating is a huge part of mine and Geoff's lives. We have a very diverse and rich diet, covering the globe in cuisine styles and every night it's something different and never dull. I feel so sad that the girls don't share in that.

Last week I was so fed up I asked Ella what I could do. They never relish their meals, get really excited or say yum and honestly, it's both frustrating and upsetting. We talked about it later on, just she and I and she told me that the food I make is boring to her and doesn't really interest her. It hurt, hearing her say that, like a knife to the chest and she felt soooo bad at the idea of upsetting me. As I said to her, she must always tell me what she thinks and it's up to me to deal with those words, not her to change them to what she thinks I'll like to hear. We agreed that she's old enough to be eating adult food and that I would cook to interest her and make largely for her what Geoff and I eat. I had narrowed their repertoire purely so I know their dinners would be eaten. The new idea of new food hasn't been a huge success.

Tonight, after pork fillet marinated in ginger, soy and plum sauce, served with an asian cauliflower dish we like and noodles, I'd had enough. We went back and forth tonight as this was "too sweet" and this "isn't really to my taste". Gosh, it's just torture to me, no pleasure involved at all however hard I try. Then Ella comes out with an absolute sucker punch "Somewhere in the world there are families sitting together, talking about their day and eating a delicious meal saying yum yum." I had to leave the table, go to my room and cry alone. Don't get me wrong, Ella isn't a mean child, so very far from it, but we were arguing with each other of sorts. That though, that absolutely cut me to the core, hence I'm here sharing when I should be doing a myriad of other tasks in the witching period.

A dear friend lost her father to cancer very recently and only last week we attended his memorial service. Whilst we know her very well, we aren't childhood friends, we've known each other only for the last 15 years, so I don't know her parents as I do others. At the memorial service both she and her two siblings spoke of their father and their childhoods and family lives. They had no television growing up, they talked. They are a very verbal family, politicially active, interested and interesting people who are passionate in conversation and debate. Hearing about the family dynamic throughout their lives was so moving to listen to, but now, as I sit wallowing, also so sad to me for myself.

I always imagined family meals so vividly for our family and reality it's so far from what I always dreamt of. We only get to have family dinner together one night a week, on Sundays, and although always fraught, I love it and the girls do too. The reality of our lives is that Geoff is rarely home before 7pm and never eats with the girls during the week. I feed the girls and then we eat again together later. I know this isn't uncommon but honestly, it's the thing I dislike most about our life. I dream of a life where we're all together every night for dinner and we can achieve at least a little of what others have and have had and that I've hoped for. For now I'm at a loss, I hate the angst, the stress, the dischord, I find it really, really upsetting.

I should buy a book, I do try new things, but I need motivation, fresh ideas, or failing that, stories of situations more challenging than my own. Please share.