982

Sometimes you have to tune your focus very finely to right now.  Many of us talk about living in the present, not missing the special moments of our children growing up and away from us, but I mean a different kind of focus.  I mean the type of trying not to let yourself spiral into upset focus, keeping sight on what's right here, as a way of balancing yourself against everything else that you feel is slipping away from you.

Life has been challenging in a way for the longest time and the adults in this house have continued to try and try to keep on top of being overwhelmed, Geoff more so than me.  Today we had more disappointment and it's hard to keep on keeping on at times.   So you focus on the now, you try and find reassuring words, you make nice dinners, try and keep spirits up and hearts happy, but it's challenging.  The feeling of life being suspended, of biding time, of waiting, a sensation that is so hard to deal with.

So Leila and I baked to distract me.  Of course she was unaware, all she saw was the sugar and the fun, as she should.  We listed to Buble singing Christmas carols, and we used the snowflake cutters I've meant to buy every year for the past three at least.  Leila decorated a plate for a playdate with her dear friend, choosing the very best to share.

We thought that 2012 was going to be our year, one of great change, achievement and happiness.  It's been a year of change, although none that was really expected.  We'll enjoy what we have, try not to focus on what is challenging and hope for the changes we want and need to transpire in 2013.