Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Soren Sorensen

Do you have fictitious conversations with yourself? I do, often. I have the conversation out loud, when I'm on my own and I'm always myself. I'm actually speaking to someone, be they also fictitious, but I'm having the conversation aloud.

Today I must confess that I watched ten mindless minutes of Oprah. It was an episode on decluttering your life. They took one very overweight couple whose house was an absolute mess and got rid of the "fat" as they referred to all the junk they'd accumulated and which, apparently, was a symptom of them having put on weight. They had the usual amount of schmultzy psuedo therapy and everyone ended up happy.
I can't remember exactly what it was that prompted my conversation with myself and the other person I've already mentioned, but it was along self help lines. The "other" person asked me a question, after some preamble chit chat which I can't exactly recall, "what do you do well?". You know I found myself speechless. I was thinking of all sorts of things in my head, things to do with the house, the girls, Geoff, my job, every aspect of my life and honestly, I didn't answer, I felt I couldn't. I feel that I do okay at a lot of things, but honestly, I don't think I do anything well because I don't do it as well as I'd like. I really floored myself with that. How sad is that? Geoff has said to me, at times, that I'm a glass half empty person, which is so awful to hear, but after today's conversation I think perhaps I am.

A while ago when talking about relationships, love, I made my own hypothisis of why I'm a dissatisfied (not unhappy) person or as I often say, a grass is greener person. I feel that on a sliding scale of which one end is pure bliss and the other is there's nothing to live for my life is over, I truly believe that I, we, my family and I, I believe that we deserve bliss. As a result I find that when I fall short of achieving anything but exactly what I believe is the best, I feel that it's not enough, because it could be more, it could be better.
Is self analysis helpful? I think it's absolutely part of who I am and how I look at things. I can't accept anything without questioning, but I hate that I find a negative in things, not depression exactly, but life is so rich and wonderful and there's much to see and do and be part of and it feels like so little time to do it all, I feel overwhelmed at times, at the sheer magnitude of all there is.

On a cheerier note, the photo was inspired by one of Jenn Causey's websites. I LOVE her breakfast shots. I've even considered doing something similar myself, but the problem is my breakfast is pretty what's in this shot every day. Another thing about me, in some aspects, I'm so predictable.


Pina said...

Your words, my life. You couldn't describe more exactly what I do so often - talk to myself. I think that one of the reasons for this is that I am so alone most of the time. I just desperately need someone to talk to. So I do - to myself. I usually imagine things that I know will never happen but it is so nice to dream, to have a conversation with myself.

I am also so many times dissatisfied with my life but the problem I have is that I never change it. I just complain although someone else would find happiness in the same life. How difficult person I must be for other people!

What I became aware of reading your post today is that I am so happy that I found exactly YOU among all those millions of blogs.

I have to show you one day what I have for breakfast most of the mornings. You will laugh! :)nt

Anna said...

Great post. I feel overwhelmed at times too.

Tyler and Chloe's Mommy said...

According to my husband, I am also a "glass is half empty" kind of person, but I think it's because I'm always feeling that there is something missing in my life. I'm sure it's not having my mom around. Don't be so down on yourself. You do so many thing well.

Lindsay said...

I think self analysis is important at all stages in life, and it's brave to be so open with yourself. I was having a trawl through my reading list for my course to see if there was anything that you might find interesting. Did you read the Wind in The Willows as a child? There is a really funny and clever book on my list called Counselling for Toads a Psychological Adventure by Robert de Board which is a clever pastiche of the children's classic. Toad is feeling down, and Mole and Ratty and Heron help him to anaylse his feelings and move on. It's really good. Not that I'm suggesting you need counselling, but if you like anaylsing it gives you some interesting tools to do so in a really funny clever way.

By the way, you should take a look back through your archives and you will see plenty of things you do well! Your happy children, your creative life, juggling work and home not to mention your fantastic baking! Sit down with a piece of panetonne and a coffee and give yourself a big pat on the back!