Monday, February 08, 2010

30

Remembering January 2007

I've been struck by a bout of melancholy today. A combination of things, mostly hormonal, something which occurs for me very irregularly these days, so always catches me by surprise. I'm wallowing today, more than a little, which I really dislike.

I have been thinking about how quickly the girls are growing and with Leila being our second and last child, I'm all too aware of every landmark of hers being the last that we will experience with a child of our own. The decision to not have more is ours, we both agree that we are too old and too stretched to manage more, but however much I understand and agree with that, I still feel a very unexpected and strong reaction against it. I can see why others go back for more at this point, but am also aware that wouldn't be the right decision for us.

If I'm honest as well, I am thinking selfishly of what my life will be when both girls are at school. I know I'm jumping ahead as that's two years away until Leila is at school, but I've spent a lifetime putting off the decisions that really count, like making my working life accountable to me, so the idea that there are only two more years before I no longer have an excuse, well, I find that daunting. Aaargh and it's hot, when it's hot and you mix in some melancholy, no good comes of it! Ignore me, I'm being self indulgent.

I best pack up the frozen quelches and get Leila from kinder, make the most of those moments.

12 comments:

Violet and Rose said...

I know very much where you are coming from and faced (and still face)those thoughts very, very frequently. Trust your decision. Don't dwell on the finality of it. Enjoy the moments. Live for the now. Don't worry about the tomorrows. One way or another, it will all work out and it will all be fine XX

life and the memoirs said...

Having my 'baby boy' start school last week I can relate to your feelings. The boys are growing up so fast, too fast indeed. They are developing, learning and growing at a pace which I at times find difficult to accept. The days and nights of caring for them as newborns, babies, pre schoolers, seem so long ago now. I also feel the sadness that this is it! I'm trying to embrace the next stage of our lives. Not always easy. They are just growing up TOO FAST! Fortunately I have some distractions to occupy my active mind. We are allowed to be self indulgent! No apology needed :)
Take care, enjoy your evening :)

Feronia said...

Melancholy can sometimes throw new and useful lights on things and result in different ways of looking at life. A lovely photo too - thank you for sharing it :)

Keryn said...

Beautiful photo. That post delivery look, I had the same. But such truly beautiful moments, I feel a little teary myself! I think the same about knowing there will be no more, but not quite accepting the finality of it. Unfortunately going through the end of my marriage at the moment, means it will never happen with the father of my boys. I'm sad in so many ways. Hopefully the light will begin to shine through soon...

Cindy said...

Matbe it is the heat, I have been feeling a little that way too. It does suck, I am fighting mine off with chocolate

Christie said...

Yep, I feel the same.

No more kids for us & I know in my head it's right, but my heart sometimes feels differently. I love the excitement of the first ultrasound, meeting your babe for the first time, first steps, first word & all the other exciting moments. My 'baby' started kinder for the first time last weeks & after counting down to having some time to myself, my heart is feeling really heavy. I know that a third child would take more sacrifices than I am prepared to make, but I do sometimes wonder.

I guess it's really about feeling sad that my too are growing so fast & a baby won't solve that.

PS I have NO idea what I am going to do work wise when they are both at school either!

two little buttons said...

what a beautiful photo.
i hear you. life passes by so quickly. its a hard decicision and the jury is still out for us. but its hard when the 2 you have grow so quickly, i hope you have a better day tomorrow

Kate said...

I feel like somebody needs to reasearch and interview women about this as a thesis or something. It seems to be something so many wmen are dealing with and struggling with. I posted about my struggle back last November here http://foxslane.blogspot.com/2009/11/my-nest.html
For a few months I wallowed in it deeply but now I just feel stabs every now and then. It is huge and it can hurt.
Take care and enjoy.
Love Kate XX

manda said...

i hear you. its hard. im there too. x beautiful photo.

Jo said...

Ah, we all have these days, and I agree, especially when it is hot!... I am sure that you will wake up feeling better tomorrow : )

Pina said...

Well, if you have to look so much ahead, then you should rejoice - remember your little cafe that everybody will love visiting. :)
Live for the now, this is really important, though sometimes so hard to accomplish.

Sandy said...

Absolutely, think of your precious cafe. It looks like quite a few moms go through this struggle, myself included. However, I just know it is not in me to have a third. I would be too drained and as a consequence I would be a less than perfect mom. We just want to keep our babies in these preciously pure moments for as long as possible, but they do grow older as do we. Follow your dreams. It's time.