I've been struck by a bout of melancholy today. A combination of things, mostly hormonal, something which occurs for me very irregularly these days, so always catches me by surprise. I'm wallowing today, more than a little, which I really dislike.
I have been thinking about how quickly the girls are growing and with Leila being our second and last child, I'm all too aware of every landmark of hers being the last that we will experience with a child of our own. The decision to not have more is ours, we both agree that we are too old and too stretched to manage more, but however much I understand and agree with that, I still feel a very unexpected and strong reaction against it. I can see why others go back for more at this point, but am also aware that wouldn't be the right decision for us.
If I'm honest as well, I am thinking selfishly of what my life will be when both girls are at school. I know I'm jumping ahead as that's two years away until Leila is at school, but I've spent a lifetime putting off the decisions that really count, like making my working life accountable to me, so the idea that there are only two more years before I no longer have an excuse, well, I find that daunting. Aaargh and it's hot, when it's hot and you mix in some melancholy, no good comes of it! Ignore me, I'm being self indulgent.
I best pack up the frozen quelches and get Leila from kinder, make the most of those moments.