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Have you ever travelled overseas on on your own? Purely on your own, finding your way, marvelling at the world and all that you're seeing for the first time? Can you remember that feeling, a mixture of invincibility, passion, excitement, as if anything were possible? You travel for an extended period and I think it's that more than anything that you're trying to hang onto. It's a hard feeling to describe, for me at least, a little like falling in love, that heady mixture of lust and longing that overpowers youand takes you breathe away. The trip ends and you promise yourself that you'll find a way to keep that feeling in your life, so that it never leaves you and life always looks so full of possibility.

I have this feeling wash over me from time to time, today is one of those times. My small family are out and my favourite music is on, loud, and I have a desire to run. I don't want to run away from anyone, but to run to that something that pulls at my chest.

It's a longing for all I think of, dream of, want from this life of mine. It's wanting to see something new, to lie in a field when a storm is raging around me, it's wanting to paint a picture and have people look at it, it's wanting to fall in love with my love all over again. It's intoxicating and I wish I could hold onto it and do something amazing when it overtakes me again.

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I'm taking advice from a professional. Sounds a bit serious, but it's a choice, so therefore I guess it's just a good thing, for me.

Since Mike died I've spent an awful lot of time with my own thoughts, too much really, and although I've struggled with it the most, my struggles have impacted upon the rest of my little family unit. Add that to that other challenges that we're facing and I just felt it was too much for me to manage alone.

I guess I was a little depressed, although now we've had a few sessions, it appears that it's more that I'm anxious. I didn't realise that, not just in these circumstances, but I think I've always been anxious, if I consider the things I've always said to myself, inside my head.

We've started talking about CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). In very very simple terms (those I can understand) it refers to the language we use with ourselves, inside our own heads, in reaction to others and to ourselves. We can't control how others behave, but we can control how we react to others.

I was/am a bit cynical and my cynicism is welcomed. Once we started discussing it and I got over the fact that it sounded a little new agey, I realised how negative I am with myself.

It's as simple or complicated (I think it's both) as saying things to myself like"I need to do the washing when I get home", "I have to get on top of the ironing tonight", "I should be better at being organised than I am" etc, etc. As soon as you tell yourself "I should be better" you then feel the implications of all that means when you either don't get time to do something, get interupted, or whatever.

I realised that every day I started myself off with an internal dialogue of running down a long long list of things I had to do, think about, calls to make blah blah blah. I started every morning feeling defeated before I even began doing anything.

Yesterday when I left my appointment I really thought about what she'd said. It was early afternoon, I had to get home and make dinner, had things still to prepare for our kinder's AGM, get Ella to basketball, then back, make a cake for the meeting etc etc etc. I normally punish myself if I pull the pin on one of our activities (ie basketball) but yesterday I said to myself that I couldn't manage everything that day and therefore I chose not to go. That sounds a bit too simple, but it made a difference. I didn't feel guilty about not going. I had a choice and I made it, I was okay with that.

I often punish myself for the things I don't do with Leila, the activities we don't get around to doing, feeling she's missing out, that I'm a bad mother for not focussing solely on her.

Today I decided I wouldn't feel guilty, I would just slow down and be.

We walked to school and back, meeting friends for a chat along the way. We got home and worked on Leila's Halloween outfit and finished it. We pottered in the garden and then Leila decided we should have a picnic for lunch, which we did.

I haven't made dinner yet and I would normally be clock checking by now, getting myself wound up about all I had to do, but today I'm just choosing not to do so. Dinner will get made, I will get to school in plenty of time, we'll go to swimming lessons and come home and it will all get done.

Apparently I need to exercise more, listen to music and pamper myself, as well as continuing to work on all the above. It's made a small difference in a short amount of time, I'm surely not too old to learn new things, so perhaps there are yet great days ahead.

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The passage of a 3YO kinder session. Making fairy gardens with clay and found natural objects; drawing and pasting at the sticking table; feeding Biscuit once big sister arrived from school; there was also some show and tell mixed in (a big hit in this house) and a little game of little monkeys at the end. There was also a toilet accident (not mine) and a huge vomit on our fruit table (also not mine), but hey, that's what happens at kinder.

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When we went to Thailand I popped into Hill of Content to pick up some holiday reading. This was one of three books that I took with me, completely on the recommendation of one of the learned chaps in the shop. Now I'm recommending it to you.

The chapters are self contained and yet linked to every other chapter. You meet characters in the first chapter at a certain point in time and it is a moment in its entirety. In the next chapter you pick up one of the characters from the previous chapter and follow them into another period in their lives and so on, with characters and chapters all tightly interwoven. The subjects are all somehow linked to the music industry and although you only get snippets of each it's strangely very very satifsying.

Try it, I hope you like it.

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As if the cake didn't give it away.

A change of style this year, for Ella's 8th birthday party, with a rockclimbing afternoon. It definitely brought out the competitive side of our eldest.

I realised today, after being able to leave the party room with the mess stacked but still there, that my least enjoyable part of any party/dinner/having people over event, is the dishes. We're a non dishwasher house (the mechanical kind) and for me being able to leave the dishes, meant it was a party for me too!

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Does anyone else struggle to keep hold of themselves as I do? I find keeping myself in balance, keeping all aspects of my life balanced, challenging.

I try to resist getting too negative as ultimately you're already feeling down if you're in that mindset. I don't mean depressed as such, just too thoughtful. I need plenty of free thinking space, me in my own mind space, and of late I haven't had much of that. I am perhaps unlike others in that I don't need time to catch up with girlfriends, go shopping, do a movie or those things, although all lovely, as much as I just need time with myself, to ponder.

I'm going to try and have next year as my action year. It's the last year I'll have Leila at home with me before school and I always promised (myself) that when both girls were at school, I would start to try and fulfill some of my perceived potential.

I am trying to believe more, in myself, in life, in all it can be. I'm hopeful that I can become a part of the things that I admire and am so interested in. I hope that relationships which I value most can survive and again provide that soft place we all need so much. I hope the future holds good health for those who are fighting so hard to attain or retain it.

I just want life to be amazing, for now they're not just words, but I really appreciate that it's never long enough, and forever is such a long time.

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The girls and I all like these books. Illustrative books showing you the "how to" of various subjects, in this case fairies.

I don't usually get too much input into which character is selected, but am just expected to produce the colouring sheet for them to work on. I enjoy the challenge but invariably they're disappointed with me when I get to the facial features. I can fudge the rest, but I always let them down with my somewhat warped facial features. Leila did 2/3 of this, seriously, before she ran out of steam, over an hour later. The next one on the list is a mother fairy with a baby fairy in her arms, nestled inside a flower in the middle of a whole field of wildflowers!

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One of Ella's birthday presents, from my parents, was a Zoku Quick Pop Maker. I can't give you the link, as I still can't get that function to work, but it's available in places like house.

We made a pineapple and passionfruit juice and a fruit smoothie with apple juice, a banana, frozen raspberries, blueberries and fresh stawberries. Pour said liquids into the Quick Pop Maker and literally, I kid you not, 7 minutes later you have delicious popsicles!

For our second batch (I know, but the first batch was so healthy) we mixed full cream milk with left over whipped cream and chocolate ganache from Ella's cake. They were nice too, like a watery Paddlepop, again lovely but not really sweet at all.

You NEED to get one of these, you won't be able to resist! Tomorrow we're doing an external shell of raspberry puree filled with vanilla yoghurt!

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This little one certainly keeps me on my toes. I could never say I have it all figured out where she is concerned. So tough and self assured one moment, like a timid little cat the next, hiding under the bed just waiting to be coaxed out.

These photos are a study in pigtails - so gorgeous for her first day back at kinder. Upon arrival there were "too many looks" and despite my assurances that it was because she was so delicious, they were duly removed by mum. At least I have the photos.

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Our darling Ella turned 8 today. She looks older. Over the holidays her body seems to have begun a bit of a stretch, such lovely long lean limbs, nut brown from our holiday. She is a very elegant and gracious child, measured moves, quite poised really.

Brunch, of her choosing, with nan and pa included poached pears with vanilla yoghurt, fruit smoothies, corn fritters with bacon, slow roasted tomatoes and a "sunny" egg on top. Family in the afternoon too, for a chocolate on chocolate affair.

Of all the things in my life of which I'm proud, being allowed the absolute privilege of mothering this beautiful girl, gives me the most joy.

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One of my pieces of perfection turns 8 very, very soon.

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And there was plenty of water too.

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A few group shots.