Yesterday I felt stressed, honestly, in my own home with just the girls with me. My parents came over in the morning too to visit and help out, but I had to rush out on a hot day and do a couple of errands in shops that drove me mad! Bad drivers, pension day, hot weather - a terrible combination of elements.
I think my frustration stems mostly from the fact that I'm back to work on Thursday next week. It's only two days a week but it's daunting. My old pre Leila role isn't available to me any more so it's a new role with new colleagues and new tasks that I'm unfamiliar with. It feels sooo hard. In some ways it's easier than it was with Ella, that felt truly heartbreaking to leave her. Callously perhaps I feel more at ease with leaving Leila in that I know she'll be well looked after and happy, if a little put out. It's a lack of confidence but it's also just wondering how on earth I'll manage. The same tasks will still need to be done around here but in two less days and I'll add to the mix an element of guilt which means I'll feel I have to do them better.
There will be positives though, I'm working because I want to. When I worked before Leila, again only two days a week, the balance was great for me. I like to have a balance of my own life at work and then my home life and two days is perfect for that . You have to compromise on the role you can hold, possibly you don't feel as challenged as perception is that the contribution you can make in two days is limited, but I'm prepared to wear that. The upside for me is that I don't want something where I'm worrying about being able to leave on time, where it's impossible to have a family day, it's a trade off.
I also need to learn to not be so hard on myself. Yesterday was a busy day. I do feel that I'm always chasing my tail, but aside from the errands in the morning (Bunnings, Spotlight, post office on pension day), I also managed to do breakfasts, lunches, dinners x two combinations; made paper with Ella for friends whose parties are today; made cards for the same friends; cut out Ella's new christmas stocking; cleaned the house; did the ironing; played inside and out etc etc. I'm no hero, we all work this hard every day I know, but some times I have to remind myself, as we all should, that I don't sit around all day, that I'm feeling stretched for a reason. It is hard to slow down though - there's so much to do, so much I want to do - and not enough time.
And an added frustration yesterday was that nan's gorgeous advent calendar went up alongside our activity one. Hers, however, is covered in presents and it was more than our big girl could bear, the waiting. As a mother you understand, you try and sympathise, but after hours of harranging, it's sooooo wearing! Mental note to self, next year, don't put it up until the big babe is in bed!