26/52

Two weeks in a row tree shots.  This week up the tree together.

Ella    9 years and nearly 9 months old
Leila   6 years and 6 months old.

Darling loves, there is nothing we won't do to keep you healthy, happy and safe.  You are so loved.

1068

A few shots out the car window on the drive to my parents yesterday.  Wide open spaces, fresh air, leaving dense clusters of buildings behind can't help but lift my spirits.  There is something almost arousing to me, in leaving the city behind, heading out into the open, what is that?  I feel anything is possible, it's a taste of that feeling of invincibility from my late teen/early 20's travelling years.  My husband and children beside me, heading to my two other significant people, it felt that everything was just right.

1067

On Thursday night Geoff I lay in bed together talking about Flatty.  Only naturally we tried to imagine ourselves facing a similar situation and wondered what we would want our life to look like, if we had to measure our time.  We talked about making the most of our lives, together, our small family, making it as amazing as it can and should be.  Life can get in the way and we all get tired.  It's easy to let weekends evaporate in a haze of just hanging around.  That's fine, sometimes, but making the effort to explore, to share experiences, that is the stuff you remember and laugh about in times to come.

 So today we explored our own home town.  Of course it's something we've done before, but not for a while.  We started at Fed Square and checked out the Pop Up Patch.  I don't doubt that it's a lovely idea, but did find myself thinking that $100 a month rental is pretty steep, I mean seriously, price the small amount of vegies they can grow by the time you figure in those overheads.  It's cute, but not really a serious endeavour, there are better ways.

We had lunch together and Ella surprised us yet again with her adventurous menu choices.  She's so good in that regard.  She may not like everything she tries, but she'll give it a go and Leila too, if not quite as much.  Life is easier in that regard as they get a little older.

We wandered the laneways, did some shopping, a little treat for us girls and some work clobber for dad.  Finishing it off with a well earned coffee.  I love my guys, they're great company, good fun, I'm lucky, I never ever take that for granted x

25/52

"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013."

Ella    Reading "The Hobbit" up a tree in my parent's back yard.
Leila  My baby with my niece's baby Aurelia.

When I was about Ella's age we had a gnarly old apple tree in our backyard and it was one of my favourite places to spend time.  I would look for fairy keys in dandelion heads so I could open the fairy's front door and peek inside.  I would take my books or drawing things up into the tree and sit and sit and sit.  This reminded me so much of myself today, although I didn't get a hot cup of sweet tea brought to me in a Keepcup, but hey, that's progress.

Being our younger child, Leila hasn't been around small children as much as Ella, so it's a less comfortable situation for her, but one I know she'd love to have more of.  Our lovely Aurelia lives in the NE of Victoria so we don't see her often, but I know how much Leila would enjoy a little more mothering time.  She may be a little shy to begin with, but she's such a nurturer, she would love more baby time.

1066

I know the picture doesn't change so much year to year, but the people in it are slightly different each time.  I have a wonderful Dad and he's an amazing Pa to our girls.  Here's to another year Dad, Happy Birthday.

1065

I've said in the past that I keep this blog for me and mine.  Because of that I've been absent of late because life and the loss of it has kept us otherwise occupied.  I also share this because I want to remember, for us, for me and mine.

Yesterday we farewelled my brother in law at an amazing service.  A chapel overflowing with hundreds of people whose lives he touched.  Two of his brothers spoke so beautifully of the one they lost.  My sister in laws best friend since primary school, more of a sister and extra member of our family, spoke of their life together since they'd met 30 years ago and the life they'd built together.  My nephew, a boy of only 16 years, stood up in front of many who'd known and loved his father and spoke so clearly, so eloquently of his dad that he had us all in awe.  He stood before us a tangible representation of his father, of what he stood for, of what he valued most highly in his life and wanted for his family.  He spoke of honoring his father, of being a man his father would be proud of by helping to guide and care for his mother and sister, it was heartwarming and breaking at the same time.

We joined together after, raised a glass to Flatty and began to face the reality of what life means without him, after the emotion of the funeral, when life calms and is still and and he's no longer here.

He Is Gone

You can shed tears that he is gone

Or you can smile because he has lived

You can close your eyes and pray he will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him

Or you can be full of the love you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him and only that he is gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

You can cry, close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what he would want

Smile, open your eyes, love and go on

1064

Yesterday afternoon, at 2:15pm, our beloved Flatty (aka Paul) peacefully slipped away.

He fought so hard to stay with us, his beloved wife and children, but in the end it was simply too much.  His passing means our family is less a piece that can never be replaced.

He was 51 years old x

1063

 A lovely weekend away with friends to a gorgeous part of Victoria.  Clear crisp days, lovely light.  We dipped our toes in the ocean for loved ones.

23/52

"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013."

Leila    Frolicking on the beach
Ella     Looking at you I can see more clearly who you are becoming

1062

No 52 project for us this week and only words in it's place.

I was having a conversation with a friend this week, about people we knew who were unhappy.  When we delved into it, it really came across as them being dissatisfied with where they found themselves in life.  It manifested itself in different ways, across the different people we spoke of. Relationships were in crisis in different forms.  One relationship between a couple of different nationalities faced a seemingly irreconcilable question in terms of where, geographically, their future lay;  another relationship, despite having all the material trappings of success, seemed fundamentally unhappy in their relationship; another couple were struggling to find a way to balance and prioritise work and family which was pushing them further apart.

Like any problem, they were all consuming for all the parties involved.  I understand that utterly, as I haven't had a life without question, doubt or disagreement, has anyone?  I make no secret of the fact that life has shifted for us since I stopped working, that it's become happier, more peaceful, easier.  Of course it's not that simple, relationships demand work, commitment and love.  Sometimes it comes easily, at others we really struggle to hold onto those good feelings and if we're honest there are times when we just want to be left alone.

My BIL was diagnosed with cancer in February.  He's had every treatment and every complication possible.  He's 7 years older than me, has a young family and everything to live for.  Despite operations, his best efforts, and many treatments, he's decided he can't continue.  Tomorrow he enters palliative care and will return home to spend his last days with family and closest friends.

Think of an argument you had where you weren't right and yet you didn't apologise.  Think of the last time you made love to your husband, or kissed him fully in the daylight.  Silly things, that we sometimes let life get in the way of, because we always believe we will have more time.  If you didn't have more time, could you say that you lived fully, that you loved fully, that you made the most of the life you were given?  I wasn't always able to say that, but since I have experienced my own loss, I can say that every day I try to make the most of the time that I have.

I love my family, dearly.  I wish I could scream loud and keep my family whole, intact and well.  I wish I could protect my SIL from losing her life's love and my niece and nephew from losing a lifetime with their father.  Death is unforgiving, it makes no difference if you have everything to live for, if you've lived a good and valuable life, it steals you away when you least want to leave.

You can't fight death, none of us can, but we can honour ourselves, our families and loved ones we've lost too soon, by living fully.  Value most the relationships closest to us, apologise when we should or just when we can, hold our loved ones, let them how our world revolves around them, appreciate what we have, showing generosity when we can, soak up the sun's rays, read a good book.  Live and be happy.