Sunday, January 04, 2009

Curious

We used our Gold Class tickets to go and see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button today. I've always been good value at the cinema (big laughs and easy to cry) but today was a record for me. Geoff commented that he didn't think he'd ever seen me cry so consistently at the movies ever before, and that's in the last 13 years.

I think I cried from about 5 minutes in and then every 5 minutes until the end. I loved the film, but feel very melancholy now. So many things I should say and so many questions that are unanswered. It was a huge love story but one I couldn't understand. A love so great, you could never walk away from, or let someone walk away from it. The parent/child relationship really hurt. There are so many things of my own mother's life that I don't know the answers to. She had a whole, complete, complicated story before my father even came along. I didn't know that life had even existed until I was 15 and even now, almost 25 years later, facts have only been alluded to. Some things I think my mum and dad want to share with me, but don't know how, others I would have to ask about and I don't know if it's my place to.

My father in law has the onset of Parkinson's disease and is suffering with it, mentally as much as physically. He feels the loss of his capacity and worries for what follows and yet is not optimistic about the possibilities of there still being something, that there still thigns to look forward to. What do you say to a 73 year old who faces these challenges - it makes me feel so sad, as if the end is there, looming large, what can you say to that?

So, I'm feeling, not sorry for myself, but melancholy. I'm aware of the time that has passed and that less is in front for some of those I love.

Tonight I told my daughters that there wasn't anything they couldn't ask me (they're 2 and 5). Should there come a day when I'm not around and they wonder something about me, that they shouln't have to wonder about the answer, but that they'd know because I didn't keep secrets from them. I told Ella that I'd had 12 boyfriends before daddy ..... I told her that I had once tried smoking but luckily didn't like it (don't tell nanny and pa) ..... and I also told her that I didn't always feel that I was a very good mummy or wife, that I was too impatient and that made me feel angry with myself (she told me that simply wasn't true). I don't want them to have questions about me. Of all the people in my life, they are the two who I always want to be most honest with.

It is a wonderful movie, you should see it, and Gold Class is great.

12 comments:

KikiMiss said...

I am wondering if I have written this post and not known about it!! I simply cannot believe the similarities we have, right down to the 12 boyfriends (or is that 13 he he he). The movie is still in the forefront of my mind and I am questioning so many of the things you speak of here.

I also always tell my eldest that she should ask me whatever it is she wants to know. Children need to be aware that they are 'adults' in a way too.

The reason I haven't returned an email to yours is that I have been thinking deeply about it, I wished I lived very close to certain bloggers to share a cup of tea and a good outpouring.

I liked this post very much!

Miss Muggins said...

What an emotional post. I love a movie that makes you question those big, important things in life. The one that did it for me (some time ago) was Flatliners. I must go and see Benjamin Button now! Did hubby like it too?

cindy said...

My mum has parkinsons too but has been diagnosed for a while. Yucky thing but there are worse. She is lucky that hers seems to slow progressing.
I love your ideas about your girls. I don't know if I am that honest (not in a bad way) but definately something I am going to give more thought too.

Donna said...

I'd love to see this movie....but I think I will take one of my girlfriends instead of my husband!
I think you hit a certain point in your life..(and I'm sure it has something to do with being a parent as well)...when who your parents were and what they did before they got married and had children, becomes important. I have lost both my parents in the last couple of years and there is so much of their story that now I will never know. It makes me sad that it is lost to history. A friend of mine asked her Mom to write about her memories and leave them to her in her will...so that she will have a record to pass onto her children. I wish I'd thought of that!
PS...the word verification for this post is "proof"...how appropriate!

Tamara said...

Oh Gold Class is a great idea. I was wanting to go see this movie anyway...we never go to the movies so we can splurge on Gold Class I am sure.

Beautiful words.

Sandy said...

I love this post, too. So many pieces are missing in my life because my family did not want to talk about their hardships when they came to the US. I've always asked and asked, but I never got the answers. "No need to concern yourself with the past." Now they are all gone! I'm dreading the day when my own children will ask about my mom and dad, how they met, how my grandpa and grandma established roots here, and I won't know any of the answers!

My grandma got Parkinson's in her 70's and breast cancer in her 80's. She did great and lived nearly to 100! Your father-in-law will obviously get the love and support from you all, but more importantly, he'll need the courage for himself.

Wish I lived closer too to share stories.

manda said...

ive been wanting to find a way to see this movie too. but.. last night for some reason as i was tucking my 10yr old Veda into bed, i told her i wanted her to know that she can ask me anything in the world and tell me anything. im going to keep telling her this. and im going to keep sharing myself with her. lifes too short not to.
and now im going to try harder to find a way to see this movie.

Belinda said...

Saw this movie in Gold Class as well - and sobbed. Melancholy is the exact way to describe how I felt afterwards.

Such a great film and a great post from you.

Diana Meade said...

I saw this movie on New Years Eve day and I could hardly leave the theater without doing what I call the Lucy cry. (Lucy Ricardo crying out loud in all those I love Lucy Shows)

I cried in the car. We were supposed to go to the grocery store after the movie and my husband had to drive me around for a while till I could compose myself.

What a powerful movie, and I am so glad I saw it, but it really brought up old stuff when I was wanting to look to the future of a new year.

I am so glad to hear that I wasn't the only one affected and touched by this well acted and well done movie.

Melancholy is the right word for how it made me feel.

leslie said...

i love this post. it echoes so many things that i think and fell myself. now, to find a way to go see the movie...

summer pickles said...

oh my... i have to see this film!

forget crying in a theatre... i just cried at the laptop, pug curled up next to me.

i love it when a film (or blog post, for that matter) can really affect how you feel, think, interact with the world.

thankyou. gorgeous words.

kerri nĂ­ dochartaigh said...

this post is so beautiful i can't even tell you how happy i am to have found your blog. it is so wonderful that you want your daughters to feel so comfortable around you. they will respect that so much; my mum was like this with me so i can tell you this for certain.

love from ireland,

Kerri xx