We used our Gold Class tickets to go and see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button today. I've always been good value at the cinema (big laughs and easy to cry) but today was a record for me. Geoff commented that he didn't think he'd ever seen me cry so consistently at the movies ever before, and that's in the last 13 years.
I think I cried from about 5 minutes in and then every 5 minutes until the end. I loved the film, but feel very melancholy now. So many things I should say and so many questions that are unanswered. It was a huge love story but one I couldn't understand. A love so great, you could never walk away from, or let someone walk away from it. The parent/child relationship really hurt. There are so many things of my own mother's life that I don't know the answers to. She had a whole, complete, complicated story before my father even came along. I didn't know that life had even existed until I was 15 and even now, almost 25 years later, facts have only been alluded to. Some things I think my mum and dad want to share with me, but don't know how, others I would have to ask about and I don't know if it's my place to.
My father in law has the onset of Parkinson's disease and is suffering with it, mentally as much as physically. He feels the loss of his capacity and worries for what follows and yet is not optimistic about the possibilities of there still being something, that there still thigns to look forward to. What do you say to a 73 year old who faces these challenges - it makes me feel so sad, as if the end is there, looming large, what can you say to that?
So, I'm feeling, not sorry for myself, but melancholy. I'm aware of the time that has passed and that less is in front for some of those I love.
Tonight I told my daughters that there wasn't anything they couldn't ask me (they're 2 and 5). Should there come a day when I'm not around and they wonder something about me, that they shouln't have to wonder about the answer, but that they'd know because I didn't keep secrets from them. I told Ella that I'd had 12 boyfriends before daddy ..... I told her that I had once tried smoking but luckily didn't like it (don't tell nanny and pa) ..... and I also told her that I didn't always feel that I was a very good mummy or wife, that I was too impatient and that made me feel angry with myself (she told me that simply wasn't true). I don't want them to have questions about me. Of all the people in my life, they are the two who I always want to be most honest with.
It is a wonderful movie, you should see it, and Gold Class is great.