Saturday, August 06, 2011


On the train ride home last night I sat down looking at all the passengers. I wondered who among them were good people, who'd lived good lives. Had everyone made good choices and lived well? I, irrationally I know, found myself resenting them being there, riding the train with me, being able to just ... be.

I realised that after living a lifetime without loss, over the past 5 years my mother has lost her dearest friend to ovarian cancer. She was in her early 50's, married to the same man since her teens and a mother to teenage boys. Within the last 3 months my father lost his best friend and cousin to stomach cancer. He was married for over 60 years, father to five, grandfather and great grandfather to more than I can count.

Last year a dear friend's father was diagnosed with melanoma cancer and lost his battle only a few short months later. A dear friend at work, her mother beat breast cancer some 15 years go, but now at the age of 62, has liver and numerous secondary cancers.

I cry for those lost, for those who have lost those they love most, for myself, for my parents, for my brothers, for all that will be left but changed forever. Mostly though, I cry most for my darling brother who is being so gracious. For all the pain he's in, for the unfairness of it all, because I love him so and wish so so strongly that this wasn't happening to him.


Julia said...

My heart aches for you. I'm so sorry too that this is your brothers new reality. How is it that so suddenly a life can be changed so dramatically? I ache for the fear you all live in, the hope you have for him and yourselves. The pain you feel that he's in pain. I have lost, but I've not had to see a loved one battle for their life. You are in my thoughts and prayers. x

Jeana Marie said...

I'm so sorry your brother is suffering and you and your family are going through this. I will be praying for you too.

Sandy said...

Hugs to you, V. I understand the pain you feel, the helplessness. All we can really do is be there for each other. Hold each other a little longer. Be brave for him and for yourself. Chin up! xoxo

Sarah said...

Oh (hugs hugs hugs)

I wish I had some wise and comforting words....

kristi said...

oh sweetheart. xxx.

Mercie said...

i'm just catching up on your blog and am so so sorry to hear about your brother. your family is my thoughts and prayers. it is scary how precious life is. thinking about you, victoria.

Kiki said...

Victoria, hi.
You are such a beautiful, honest writer. You bring me back here time and time again. It has been some time and now I find this horrible post.

I feel so, so sad for you and I know it is not easy - the knowing, the waiting and the wondering.

Please know you are in my thoughts so much more from tonight.


two little buttons said...

Oh Victria, my heart breaks as i read this post, although i dont "know" you , i feel that i do and i wish i could do something to ease this terrible time for you all. stay strong in this time
you are in my thoughts and prayers