Friday, September 09, 2011


Four weeks..

I'm discovering that grief is as they say, something that has many stages.

I was having lunch with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen since Mike passed. She was asking me questions about him, his illness, his passing and I was answering her. It was only as I sat watching the tears stream down her cheeks that I started to hear myself and how I must have sounded to her. My voice was without emotion, quite blunt I guess, just recounting a group of facts. I realised that my demeanour might have made me seem uncaring, as if it didn't hurt to talk about those things.

I tried to explain why I was being the way I was. For me it's like, at this moment, my grief is in a big pot. It's full to the brim with tears, heartache, yearning, loss, regret, but the lid is still on, just hanging on at the edges. As long as I keep the lid on that grief, I can control it. It's not a conscious thing that I'm doing, but that's how I can best describe it. Self preservation. I keep it pushed down otherwise it can just take me over.

Of course I can't do that every day all the time, and it overflows at the most unexpected times. The sad fact is, that life goes on, without him. Perhaps a time will come when that's reassuring in itself, but for now, that is cause enough for the lid to come off.


Jo said...

my husband likes to say that I 'drip feed' my emotions, but effectively it's the same thing... they come out little by little {and sometimes in a gush}, because in real life, with kids, and family, and responsibilities, who really has the luxury to drop their bundle?... everybody is unique, you will do it your way, nothing surer.

thanks for your message today. much love. x

Sandy said...

so sorry, v. it's so terribly hard to lose a loved one. when my mom passed away, i just wanted to crawl under a rock, but i had to be strong. the hardest part after her death was seeing her everywhere——i'd see similarities of her in other people like a hairstyle or i'd see something that reminded me of her. sometimes that would be a trigger for me and the loss would all be overwhelming.

take care, v.

~ Kim ~ said...

Very sorry for your loss. I keep my tears that way too. I found that today I decided it was enough and I cried on the couch. I felt better and it's the only way I do it too. I hope you have lots of support and kindness. XOX.

PlumStitches said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. We all process things differently, there's no right or wrong way. I tend to err on the side of too much emotion and only wish I could turn it off or at least down to a dribble much of the time.

Sarah said...

I hear you Vic.

But PLEASE don't use that lid. LET IT FLOW and let it just happen. It will mean the grief will not weigh you down long term...

By letting it happen and flow the grief becomes easier to manage and becomes part of life rather than a brick in your heart...

I can say this from several experiences of grief with my father, child and etc.

My fathers 20th anniversary is up this Friday and I just don't know what to do without being corny or what ever. I think at this stage I will light a candle. Maybe even visit where we scattered his ashes.