Comes in threes

Why does it happen that way? Something never seems to break alone, a nearby appliance always hears the call and throws themselves upon the "spent" appliances pile in sympathy.

Our extractor fan over the stove died a few weeks ago now. It was 2 weeks past the 2 year warranty period. Am I the cynical one that I wondered if they aren't made to last only 2 years? I called up to find out about a service and was told the call out fee was $120.00 and then another $15 for each 5 minutes thereafter plus parts. I have to get used to the idea of the cost first and then I'll book it in.

Second casualty has been a long time coming but I've been in denial through fear of what it would be like to live without him. Geoff bought me a Gaggia espresso machine for my birthday in I think 2000 in London, so it's had a good life. Probably for the last years it's gotten more and more sluggish and a clean hasn't helped. This past week the steamer died, it no longer steams, it does a pathetic puff puff, but has no oomph left. There is definitely pressure building in the machine for the steam comes out of other places, which worries me a lot, the idea of it exploding on me, so it's turned off for now. I cannot live without an espresso machine. I have an old stove top version which I'll use for now, but it is simply a necessity.

Third disaster last night - our digital camera died. We went out for Geoff's birthday with friends and like a teenager I took my camera to embaress everyone. I had newly recharged batteries (for that's been an issue in the past) as well as a back up pack of four disposables. They all died, with only two photos between them - that's not good is it. I hope it's not the camera, three replacements are just too much for now. The other irksome thing about it is that I have two gorgeous dolls I've finished to go into my etsy shop and I can't photograph them - both different to any I've done before and I can't share them.

Kinder goes back this week and swimming and dancing so perhaps in that scheduling nightmare I'll find time to replace one of the three. It's also work again this week after two days sick leave last week. It's only 3 weeks until my dear colleague (who is full time) takes off on leave for a month to the US and I'm left managing things. I must confess to feeling a little sick about the idea of it. It's so hard to learn completely new skills in two days and then not use them for a week before trying to learn again. I hope I don't stuff things up too badly, I want her to come back from her holiday relaxed and not with too many problems to fix. She's had a bad run with her part time helpers and she's such a sweetheart and so supportive, I hope I can manage.

I Survived

my first two days back at work and am actually surprised at how much I enjoyed it.

I didn't have any nerves, no stomach churning beforehand. I was made to feel so welcome, particularly by Fran, the colleague I'll be working most closely with. I guess knowing the environment, some of the people, some of the frameworks helped. Also, having my gorgeous sets of grandparents caring for our girls is major relief.

It was different second time round - I wasn't anywhere near as terrified of being away from Leila as I was from Ella - honestly, I didn't worry at all! She hasn't taken it without a fuss though - she didn't nap at all today - she was awake from 6am to 6:30pm when I got home. She saw me, gave me the hugest cuddle ever, really snuggled in, had a big feed and went out like a light. Geoff's out with mates tonight for a rare Christmas get together, so all three girls may well be asleep before it's dark.

I feel strangely content - life's good.

Putting things right

Last night Ella got up again, we talked and decided that we'd make a poster of all the foods that she's happy to eat. This is just the first page. If there is something on these pages that she is served for dinner then she has to try and eat it without a fuss. Tonight went well. There are other pages, almost all fruits are on another, it's not so bad, I just need to keep things in perspective.

First day back at work tomorrow. Dinner's ready to go; bags packed; clothes laid out for the girls - only me to organise now.

What makes up a day

At the moment I feel particularly stretched. There are not enough minutes in the hours that Leila naps, not enough hours in the days and the weeks are getting shorter. The girls seem to be getting less tidy and as a result I seem to be picking up the same things more and more. There seems to be more stuff to do and less time to do it in.

Yesterday I felt stressed, honestly, in my own home with just the girls with me. My parents came over in the morning too to visit and help out, but I had to rush out on a hot day and do a couple of errands in shops that drove me mad! Bad drivers, pension day, hot weather - a terrible combination of elements.

I think my frustration stems mostly from the fact that I'm back to work on Thursday next week. It's only two days a week but it's daunting. My old pre Leila role isn't available to me any more so it's a new role with new colleagues and new tasks that I'm unfamiliar with. It feels sooo hard. In some ways it's easier than it was with Ella, that felt truly heartbreaking to leave her. Callously perhaps I feel more at ease with leaving Leila in that I know she'll be well looked after and happy, if a little put out. It's a lack of confidence but it's also just wondering how on earth I'll manage. The same tasks will still need to be done around here but in two less days and I'll add to the mix an element of guilt which means I'll feel I have to do them better.

There will be positives though, I'm working because I want to. When I worked before Leila, again only two days a week, the balance was great for me. I like to have a balance of my own life at work and then my home life and two days is perfect for that . You have to compromise on the role you can hold, possibly you don't feel as challenged as perception is that the contribution you can make in two days is limited, but I'm prepared to wear that. The upside for me is that I don't want something where I'm worrying about being able to leave on time, where it's impossible to have a family day, it's a trade off.

I also need to learn to not be so hard on myself. Yesterday was a busy day. I do feel that I'm always chasing my tail, but aside from the errands in the morning (Bunnings, Spotlight, post office on pension day), I also managed to do breakfasts, lunches, dinners x two combinations; made paper with Ella for friends whose parties are today; made cards for the same friends; cut out Ella's new christmas stocking; cleaned the house; did the ironing; played inside and out etc etc. I'm no hero, we all work this hard every day I know, but some times I have to remind myself, as we all should, that I don't sit around all day, that I'm feeling stretched for a reason. It is hard to slow down though - there's so much to do, so much I want to do - and not enough time.

And an added frustration yesterday was that nan's gorgeous advent calendar went up alongside our activity one. Hers, however, is covered in presents and it was more than our big girl could bear, the waiting. As a mother you understand, you try and sympathise, but after hours of harranging, it's sooooo wearing! Mental note to self, next year, don't put it up until the big babe is in bed!

Work - the kind that pays

I can't believe that it's almost 12 months since I began my maternity leave, when Leila was still just an ever squirming ball in my tum. Ella I were looking back through photos only this week and came across one of me with my Leila belly exposed, her with her elbows resting on it and both of us looking wearily into the camera on a sweaty 30+ summer's day.

These days Leila is such an incredibly active baby that I don't have time to think too much at all on when she was small and helpless, she is so independent and determined it amazes me. She's only 9 1/2 months and can now stand on her own and wants to hold hands and walk everywhere. She looks too young to be striding out on her own, but gosh she's so completely chuffed with her progress.

Today I had an email from work discussing my return from maternity leave and I have to say that my emotions about it are completely mixed. My role is no longer available so they've been trying very hard to find something for me, although none is what I'd call a dream role. If you aren't a "career" person, but rather someone who has always worked well but not passionately, it's harder to become connected with a role/job - or at least that's what I find.

The balance I had of working two days a week is perfect for me - the extra into three that they would like me to do is the wrong balance for me - more time away from the girls in the working week than with them. The problem is that it's hard to get real satisfaction from reconcile a job that does allow you the balance of only being two days, starting at 8:30 and leave on the dot of 5:00 and that doesn't cause too much stress. The trade off is that the roles you are offered aren't generally that fulfilling, personally, they're just jobs. I should find the trade off of being paid, very well for what I do, and all that means to my family, enough, but somewhat greedily, I don't.

The other part of it is feeling anxious about a return to work, worrying about making a worthwhile contribution, because I've been so focussed on other things. It's the time in thinking about it that I find hard - I'm not a person who functions well with time to think, to stew, I need decisions made and actions begun close together. I do have a tendency to wind myself up somewhat.

I'm also worrying about the girls - Ella recoils in dread whenever I have mention the word work. She can be reasoned with though, in the way I think many mums do with their children, into understanding that my work gives us the extra money for the special things we love like holidays. Leila however, well I'm not sure how she'll go. She's quite clingey at the moment, very much a mum's girl - I have two of them. She's stronger, braver in some ways, but I am also her home base, she comes back regularly to check, however far she may stray. The positive is that they'll both be in the care of both sets of loving grandparents on each day, so it's not a negative that I'm away, and that continues to build on the gorgeous relationship that they have with them all.

It's hard, don't you think, trying to achieve the right balance. It's worth it for me though, personally I need the time away to focus me on really appreciating all it is that I have. I know I should be able to figure that out on my own, but a little bit of "me" time, albeit at work, is for me a healthy mix. Also, I then don't feel guilty about the materials I buy and things I covet!