19/52

"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013."

Ella    Very pleased with a hat Nan knitted her.  It definitely met the brief.

Leila   Equally pleased with her rainbow pony tail.

1059

Grief is still a surprise to me.  Shadowy and unpredictable, catching you off guard, triggered by connections you had momentarily forgotten.

My brother riding his bicycle from Clayton to Hawthorn, carrying on it a very large, very heavy stone mortar and pestle, a birthday or Christmas present for me when Ella was only a few months old.  A similar journey made from Clayton to Blackburn, when Ella was a little older, about two years old, carrying a children's carpet, rolled and slung across his handle bars.

Regret is a terrible thing and ultimately pointless, it serves no purpose to he or I.

Tonight I was preparing a marinade in my mortar and pestle, one that I struggle to even lift from the cupboard, let alone carry on the handle bars of any bike.  Mike came flooding into my mind, my heart and the tears flowed.  I wished, for those moments, that I'd done more, been there more, made more of a difference to his life.  Of course that's silly, because he loved me, we were connected, we shared what we chose to share with each other when we had nothing but time.  I missed him though, at that very moment, when I remembered those and other things he'd done for me in my life, that perhaps I didn't appreciate as much as I could have at the time.

We can't do over, we can't bring those we love back, not even for a moment, and as painful as those moments can be, for those moments he felt more than just a shadow, those memories so vivid and so present, that he seemed somehow here again.  There was nothing either of us did wrong, or shouldn't have said, not ever, but I just wished for more, that I'd appreciated more and been more present, in that moment, in that instant of regret, of missing him.

1058

I've fancied making it to the Cider Festival for the past few years and we finally got organised today.  With friends in tow we drove to Kellybrook, made sure to get there at the start of the day and enjoyed it all before the crowds got too crazy.

Perfect autumn morning, crisp and cold even, but sunny and dry.  The setting is gorgeous and I'd love to go back for a meal at the restaurant, positioned perfectly at the top of the winery site.  Great set out, with areas to sit in, face painting and balloons for the kids, delicious cider for the parents, good food.

I had a lovely time, we all did, and a photo of me that isn't too far from capturing me as I feel I really look!  Ahh what a view, I've had my afternoon coffee and imagined how lovely it would be to sit and enjoy it from the verandah with those vines below me.  Perhaps one day.

18/52

"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013."

Leila    Preparing for Nan's birthday dinner at ours.
Ella      Sprinting to meet her best friend at the school's bi-annual fair.  Testing herself and gently encouraging parents to give her a little space, learn independence and wander on their own.

1057

Our school's bi-annual fair is on tomorrow and I've just finished the biscuit round of baking for the cake stall.  Homemade oreo style biscuits, gingersnaps and a few ginger creams.  I love a good biscuit, crisp, melt in the mouth, for me a perfect sweet hit and so decent ones so rarely found in cafes.  They're on the list for my one day business.

1056

Happy Birthday Mum.  You are loved.

1055

Last night, as I tucked Leila into bed, we did our normal good night routine.  I love, I love you more, I love you most, see you in 5.  Leila then added to the end, mummy, I love you so much, I love you so very much that if I tried to tell you how much I really love you, I would be up all the days of my life and never sleep because it would take me that long to tell you how much I really love you.

I'm so very lucky.