1091

What good is the future, if it's in the future?

We had such a wonderful time at the beach yesterday, the girls and I.  We have many happy times, but yesterday I was aware that I couldn't stop smiling.  The stars had aligned and it just seemed the perfect day. It wasn't planned well ahead, it wasn't expensive, it didn't take a lot of effort to make it happen.  We were just there together on a perfect day having a wonderful time.

Then last night I came across the quote What good is the future, if it's in the future? and it really resonated with me.  No excuses, no list making and planning for something months or even years from now, just being happy now, making choices today, that stimulate and excite the whole family.

The adults in this house have been frustrated about some bigger things we are not yet able to change, things that do affect our future and in many ways make us feel that that future is being held to ransom.  In reality though, we can let that go and choose only on these moments right in front of us, choose to make them amazing and the future will take care of itself.  

There are no revelations here, nothing is original, but all of us come to these thoughts in our own time and for me, that was my thought of yesterday that I'm carrying forwarding into today and dragging with me tomorrow and onwards.

1090

It's a long journey we've taken together thus far, him and me.  I was 25 when we met, he was 24, before too many years pass we will have spent half our lives together.

We're very different, in many ways.  At times I've focused more on our differences than how we are alike. We don't have the same interests in all things, I can't stand watching sport and he doesn't stitch for relaxation. He exercises most days and I talk about exercising most days.  He often comes at discussions from a rational viewpoint, which naturally clashes with my emotional viewpoint.

We do however, share the same love of each other and our family.  We have the same dreams of more time together and a life more in balance.  We both try our hardest to support each other even when times are really tough and for the most part, we both succeed.

I've loved this man for a long time, those gentle soft hands, his forgiving spirit.  We both wish for something different in one main aspect of our lives this year, something largely outside of our control.  It's those things that are the hardest to manage, those things that you want so badly but can't predict or control, the frustrations, the disappointments, it can be hard to manage those hurts.

We have a lot to focus on, to get us through.  We have an amazing family, our girls especially make us both so happy and so proud.  We'll focus on the great stuff, there's plenty of it, focus hard on that and patiently wait on the other wheels to turn.

1089

Kristi giving up her blog has really touched me.  It feels like the end of an era.  Perhaps that may sound silly, if you're just dipping into blogs for the first time, but I never realised what they could come to mean to you.

I consider myself if not old then definitely middle school.  I started my blog 6 years ago and back then it wasn't so common, or at least those that were around were more homely.  My blog has always been for me and that means not commercialised and honestly not even that polished, but good enough for us.  These days it seems that the standard of mum blogs has gone through the roof.  I'm not sure if they have far greater skills than me or are paying for help, but wowee, some of these are super polished and have all kinds of labels and categories!  Many of the blogs I used to follow have dropped right off, perhaps as their own children are getting older.

My children are no longer babies.  Leila was not yet 1 when I started and she's now 7.  My focus was only on my children and all their tiny little landmarks.  There are still plenty of landmarks, many of them huge, but focusing on them isn't quite right anymore.  It's relevant to me, but I don't think I feel the same desire, or entitlement, to share.

I'm going to shift my little space more towards me, which you may not like as much, but it's always been for me so I'll be okay if I don't hold your interest.  I'll still join in the 52 project as I love that memory for the years to come. I love the blogs of Rebecca, Rachel and Sarah.  They all have incredible voices.  They love words and are so wonderful at sharing them, so skilled.  They focus on their interests (aside from children) and I love that too.  I'm going to try and share more of me, Victoria, and see if in doing so it helps me to find more of myself, for myself.

Photos of some gorgeous new Marimeeko ttowels Geoff bought me for Christmas.

1087

I love the colours in these images.  Boxing Day and a trip to Maroondah Dam.  One day, if there ever is such a day, if I come into money, I will seek out an artist who paints sky/cloudscapes which are like lying on the grass gazing at the sky.  I love clouds, of all sorts.  On this day it was the white to dark grey and all the shades between that I loved so, somewhat mirroring the dam wall.

One of my most loved people is going through a very tough time and I'm so very far away from her.  I love her so, and it's torturous to not be able to hold her hand through this process.  I am a fixer, by nature, I find it hard to not be able to manage situations, to help people find a way through, but there are things we sometimes just have to do alone.  My love is always with her, I'm always here, if I'm not there.  There are clouds here and clouds where she is, so we will focus on those things somewhat joining us and I'll try my best to help her through the rest of it.

1074

I've been thinking a lot about momentum.  Particularly since I've had children, or perhaps just given all that has happened in our lives in the past few years, time has a way of running ahead of us, even in those moments when we feel we'd like to feel pause a little longer at one particular place, or point in time.

I'm very happy.  Over the past five years there have been times when the absolute opposite was true, but I'm now happy and I hold that happiness tight to me.  I recognise now how hard won happiness can be.  In my own relationship and through my own losses I know that you cannot take it for granted and you should do all you can to firstly, be happy and secondly to hold onto happiness.

Of course that's not always within our control.   Sometimes others make choices for us whose damaging waves hit us so hard that we simply can't avoid their impact.  Sometimes we have to stand by when those we love are being dragged under and are unable to see beyond that very moment, that day, let alone look forward to anywhere close to something you could call a future.

Can you notice the tiny bits of green appearing on these clusters of very dry and dead looking twigs?  That's the view outside our kitchen window. Clematis Montana Rubens who will very soon be a wall of green, shortly after covered with gorgeous proud pink blooms that literally raise their heads every morning and flash their petals at me.  I look forward to those peaks of green every year.  They tell me that warmer weather is on its way, that the sun will begin shining longer, than green and warmth will envelop us again.  This happens every year at this time, without fail.

Despite loss, despite suffering and challenge, everything just keeps moving forwards.  At times it's far from easy to continue, but we do regardless, partly because we have to, but also because we can.

To lift myself I like to focus on a song that I just can't help but dance to (try this or this), ones that just make you move.  I like fresh air, getting outside for a run or walk.  Tiny moments in every day can make you feel brighter, if even for a moment.  I know the road can be super tough, that it's easy to give in to our challenges, but life will go on, and eventually it will be brighter.  In the meantime, focus on the tiny details, the little bits you can manage in each day that can lift you, if even for a moment and eventually, eventually there will be more of those moments in the day than anything else.

1072

Only a few days ago she arrived and now she's gone, 5 days before she should have been.  We've known each other for 14 years but I haven't seen her for over three.  We used to see each other every day.

She is tender hearted, generous, kind, loving, fragile.  She is the person whose company I am easiest in.  She listens and hears me.  She teases me and tells me when I'm talking crap.

She slept in Ella's room and it still smells like her.  I walk around the house and can't believe that she's even been here she went so quickly.

There are times in our lives where we can offer all the support we have to those we love, we can try and walk a difficult journey with them, but ultimately they're only words we offer, we really can't DO anything. Her suffering is like my own, her loss is mine.

Someone has been careless with her heart and now it's in pieces.  I can offer words of advice, trying to comfort, but I can't fix anything for her.  She feels alone and I want to make it otherwise, but I can't.

You are amazing.  You will be okay.  You are not alone.  I am so very far away, but you are with me every moment and I will send you all the encouragement and support I can.  Try and be strong for your small ones.

1069

I will remember your small room, the feel of you, the light in the window, your records, your books, our morning coffee, our noons, our nights, our bodies spilled together, sleeping, the tiny flowing currents, immediate and forever. Your leg, my leg, your arm, my arm, your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again. 

~Charles Bukowski

1068

A few shots out the car window on the drive to my parents yesterday.  Wide open spaces, fresh air, leaving dense clusters of buildings behind can't help but lift my spirits.  There is something almost arousing to me, in leaving the city behind, heading out into the open, what is that?  I feel anything is possible, it's a taste of that feeling of invincibility from my late teen/early 20's travelling years.  My husband and children beside me, heading to my two other significant people, it felt that everything was just right.

1059

Grief is still a surprise to me.  Shadowy and unpredictable, catching you off guard, triggered by connections you had momentarily forgotten.

My brother riding his bicycle from Clayton to Hawthorn, carrying on it a very large, very heavy stone mortar and pestle, a birthday or Christmas present for me when Ella was only a few months old.  A similar journey made from Clayton to Blackburn, when Ella was a little older, about two years old, carrying a children's carpet, rolled and slung across his handle bars.

Regret is a terrible thing and ultimately pointless, it serves no purpose to he or I.

Tonight I was preparing a marinade in my mortar and pestle, one that I struggle to even lift from the cupboard, let alone carry on the handle bars of any bike.  Mike came flooding into my mind, my heart and the tears flowed.  I wished, for those moments, that I'd done more, been there more, made more of a difference to his life.  Of course that's silly, because he loved me, we were connected, we shared what we chose to share with each other when we had nothing but time.  I missed him though, at that very moment, when I remembered those and other things he'd done for me in my life, that perhaps I didn't appreciate as much as I could have at the time.

We can't do over, we can't bring those we love back, not even for a moment, and as painful as those moments can be, for those moments he felt more than just a shadow, those memories so vivid and so present, that he seemed somehow here again.  There was nothing either of us did wrong, or shouldn't have said, not ever, but I just wished for more, that I'd appreciated more and been more present, in that moment, in that instant of regret, of missing him.

1052

My dear friend Sandy lives in California.  This morning she sent me this link.  It was the breakfast rush in this house and yet I stopped and watched for the 7 minutes it runs and cried silently from about the half way point.

This is not about external beauty alone, at least not to me.  I'm not conscious of the beauty product being endorsed in the background of this piece, I'm only aware of these amazing women and the disservice they do themselves by not appreciating all they are.   True beauty isn't skin deep.  Sandy's friend is the lady named Kela and I don't think I'm breaking any confidences by sharing her decription of her friend "If you met her, she lights up the room with her genuineness and beauty."  Sandy didn't need to tell me that, because it's obvious just by looking into her friend's eyes.

1050

My mind is rarely still or quiet.  It can be calm, it's not always screeching and loud, but it's always very active.  Some times are more peaceful than others, but there's always plenty going on in there.  I hope my mind remains as active into my older years, although I also hope for more resolution in my thoughts.  Perhaps that suggests less challenge?  Acceptance or resolution seems to me to perhaps imply that answers have been found.

I could always do more, I could always do better, I could always be better.  Don't misunderstand me in thinking that I don't feel I do good, or do much, but I always feel there is more I could be or do and achieve.  Most times it acts as motivation, at others it can overwhelm and make me feel that I achieve nothing.

The end of school holidays has found me a little weepy for the end of time with my most beloved girls.  One person, one mother, can achieve only so much, read only so many books, play, create, listen, indulge, cherish, but still I feel I could always have done a little more.  I feel heavily those times when I felt I needed a quiet moment when one wanted a book read or another wanted to share ideas for a story.  I need to remind myself that this time, this now, is not forever, it's so fleeting and soon I will have too much time for my busy mind and thoughts.  Not everything has to be done today, done now, but some times do demand my attention right now, today and during these years.

I can always choose who I become, what path I walk, what challenges I seek, but the role of being a mother to our girls, is something that needs me present now, deserves all of my attention now and in those quiet moments, that's when I can indulge my mind, my thoughts, write them down, plan for the quieter years when I will surely yearn for the occasional chaos and fullness of today's days.

1035

I'm into commitments right now.  I like to think that generally speaking I am a person of my word, that I follow through on my promises to others, that I am accountable and committed.

I find good eating easy, but it's a commitment like many other things.  Talking to a friend recently I realised that commitment comes in so many different forms and healthy eating/food is one of them.  I have many challenges that I face constantly, but food isn't really one of them.  By that I mean that I'm not an emotional eater as many would describe.  I certainly fancy different foods depending on my state of mind (always mushy food when feeling unwell), but treat foods aren't a weakness for me.

I'm not a natural exerciser.  I didn't grow up playing team sports and in fact in my teenage years anything in a team caused me great anxiety.  I was never the worst, but hated letting anyone down and therefore found the dynamics of netball and softball, quite stress inducing.

My husband is a runner.  He runs for pleasure, for health and fitness, but also as relaxation.  If he needs to think something through, he goes for a run.  I've tried, over the years, but again I'm not great at it.  My hips and knees ache and I'm not naturally suited to it.  I do walk, fast, with a friend, doing 8kms in 50 mins a few times a week, but there's a lot of puffed conversation in that time.  My commitment to myself in terms of exercising was to just do it.  To not wake up and think about the reasons why not, but to just get out there and do it.  Now I'm enjoying it, it's fun, I look forward to it.

I have many dreams, but I want to start creeping towards making them real.  My love suggested this, he's sweet like that, thinking of me at all times.  We were talking about me studying a while back and I expressed concern that my area of interest (psychology) stressed the need to undertake Statistics straight away.  I've heard so many agonise over this subject, across many field over the years, and worried that it would put me off from the get go as I'm no maths genius.  So my love suggested courses here.  They're free and provided by highly esteemed schools and professionals.  So I'm enrolled and commencing this one today and this one in a few months.

So I'm just committing to things that I like, I'm interested in and giving it a go.  I'm trying not to over think and trusting that clarity will eventually follow.  I take great pleasure in ticking off lists and moving ever forwards and these new commitments to self are an extension of that.  I never want to look back and think of all the things I put off, all the excuses I found, but want to know that I looked, I tried, I gave it a go.  What more can any of us ask for?

PS  I do know my link to today's lunch above is tenuous, but well heck, it makes sense to me!

1031

Happy Monday.

1017

A month or so ago Bettina contacted me asking if I would like to be featured on her blog, as an Australian blog to read.  It's a good thing I've never sought fame and fortune from this little space of mine, but I was pleased that she liked reading enough to ask.  She has a blog called littleoldsouls and I'm featured on there if you're interested in checking it out.  It's a nice way to find some new blogs that you may otherwise not have stumbled across.

1014

Life is really good, even when it's not exciting.  It can be utterly satisfying achieving the most basic of tasks.

The girls are settling in really well at school, Leila making an almost seamless transition - not too tired, making friends and just  ...  happy.  It's different, I do miss her but she's so happy with school that I can't feel sorry for myself, I'm just so pleased.

I'm home, I'm not working at a paid job and I'm utterly happy.  I'm filling my days without a problem, in fact I feel I'm achieving more now than ever.  They're not exciting tasks - making pesto, daily loaves of bread, my annual staining of the outdoor timber - but I feel the measure of my days and feel satisfied.

My family, us being together, everyone being happy is what matters to me most in life.  Personal achievement is fine, but if I fail at doing my bit towards making us happy as a unit, then I fail utterly.  For the first time in a long time I feel that I'm getting things right.  I don't believe I've ever failed my children, but I know that there was a time when my priorities to my first love, were confused.  I let life overwhelm me, we both did, but space, time to focus on only family has reminded me how much I love him, that warming feeling we discovered so many years ago now, but also to remember to be sure he knows.  It's a bit of a revelation to me and I'm grateful.

Life is precious, the floor can move under you without warning and suddenly everything is different.  Remember if you'r not happy - make a change, don't wait, today is guaranteed, tomorrow isn't.

1013

This is parenting in a way, in one image.  Your children reach a point where they start to rush on in front of you and you're left to try and keep up.

Leila is my baby and will always be.  Many have said the same before me, I am well aware of that, but she just is, my babe.  It's hard to watch her moving away, making her own path and walking confidently down it. I've said before that she's been a revelation to me, so different to her sister.  I've learned so much from being her mother, she's taught me how to be what she needs and I feel proud of how I mother her.

Time flies and it's hard to remember Ella's first day but that's another journey that is also moving too fast.

Today was a success.  She was happy after school, although tired.  She ate some food, though not much.  She went to the toilet "lots of times" and didn't lose her friends in the playground.  She made a new friend in the playground from another prep class, Abbey, and they found each other again at lunchtime.  She still wanted to cuddle with me on her bed, shared a freddo from the "Parental Survival Kit" and with her and Ella home again, all was right in this house.

I hope your little ones fared as well.

1012

Raspberry, lemon and yoghurt cupcakes for the big girl.  Frosted sugar animal biscuits for the soon to be preppy.  New shoes at the ready, lunch boxes on the counter.

As with Ella we had dinner and gave Leila a watch for her first day of school, so she knows when it's time to come back to us.  She's super excited and that at least makes me happy.

Tomorrow Geoff will be home.  He's taking me for a massage and out to lunch, distracting me, as your lovely one tends to do.

1007

So much pleasure for less than $15.  A gift to me.

983

14 years ago, in our first month of marriage, I went with Geoff to this store in Paris and bought my first candle.  That first indulgence was not for myself, but a Christmas gift for our Parisian friend Christelle in thanks for letting us take over her apartment while in town.  That purchase did start a bit of a candle love affair that endures to this day.

At the time quality scented candles were new to me, but in the time we lived in London they were one of my enduring everyday luxuries.  When we were expecting Ella I went for a goodbye trip to Paris with my dearest girlfriends and it included a trip to the store to stock up on candles to endure me when I knew I would no longer be able to afford to replace them.

We shipped home our possessions including a big red cardboard box full of candles.  The aroma, when I take of the lid, is still amazing and transports me in time and place.  I have always been very careful about opening and beginning a new candle.  They are heavily perfumed and you don't have to leave them lit for a long time to enjoy their scent, but still, I never want the box to be truly empty.  Geoff and the girls have bought me top ups over the years, but the smell of this particular candle, Pomander, is strongest in the walls of the box and it's all about wintery cold Christmases for me, with its heady mix of cinnamon, cloves and orange.

I will burn the candle just long enough each day to drift through the rooms of our home and mix together with my memories of yesterday, my loves of today and my hopes for tomorrow.