13mimosa

846

2012-01-29T08:08:00.002+11:00

Me and my guys.

x

845

2012-01-29T08:01:00.004+11:00

A week at the beach can really recharge your soul. We had a wonderful time and I wish we'd been able to stay longer. We rented a gorgeous house called Rusty Gate in Venus Bay which suited us perfectly. It's an old renovated school house, fitted out beautifully with all the necessities (a real coffee machine!) in a perfect quiet locale. We hadn't been to Venus Bay before, but the quieter town suits us perfectly.

Our luminous girls had a great time and Ella particularly takes after her dad in her confidence in the ocean. Leila follows me with a much more cautious approach.

The best part of the holiday, eating together as a family every evening. Twee, perhaps, but honesly, that makes me so happy as it's something we rarely get the chance to do. I wish the balance of our life could be different, that Geoff could be here more/earlier, but how can you manage that when your husband's job - the one that provides us with this life of ours - doesn't allow that. I find it really challenging to balance what I wish was so with what is so.

Today we'll try and hang on to our holiday vibe as we head all too rapidly towards the beginning of a new school year.

844

2012-01-29T07:53:00.002+11:00

843

2012-01-29T07:44:00.005+11:00

842

2012-01-18T16:47:00.004+11:00

These holidays are going super fast.

We've entertained ourselves in all sorts of ways. The girls have had a few sleepovers with my parents which means Geoff and I got to the movies two weeks in a row. The first week The Skin I Live In - really really strange, but in a good strange way, if that makes sense. Creepy though without fear... The second week The Ides of March, also good but mostly for the two dreamboats of different eras, a film with flaws.

The girls and I have watched a few Harry Potter movies - every time Ella finishes a book we get to see the movie and she's been devouring them. We've crafted, we've rode and scootered every day. Ella's had a terrible scooter tumble and also had a wart frozen off.

I've had my hair coloured, but not cut. I've been walking a lot, only yesterday did 7.8kms of hilly walks in Healesville, would be lovely to do that every day.

I've made jam and chutney, I've made cakes, bagels and bread.

We're now getting ready for a week at the beach, we've rented a shack down the coast, which is not something we usually do at this absurdly high weekly rate time of year, but hey, you only get one shot so why not.

841

2012-01-10T14:56:00.003+11:00

A day at the Museum with Nan and Pa. Yes, Leila's wearing a school uniform, she still is. The girls started the day playing schools and my oh my, when Leila came out in a uniform, she looked so tiny! So she insisted on leaving it on, so she wore it to the Museum and to Brunettis for lunch.

Very pleased she's still just borrowing her sister's uniform. Realise now how happy I am for her to be waiting another year before she gets her own!

840

2012-01-10T09:07:00.002+11:00

I realise that this may just relate to me personally, but I've just sat in tears reading this, so I'm going to transcribe it here, so I can remember.

I've just finished reading Nora Ephron's collection of thoughts "I feel bad about my neck". The book is a small collection of musings and thoughts on various subjects: I hate my purse; Parenting in three stages etc. The final chapter is called "Considering the Alternative" and it is her thoughts on ageing. She begins by saying, in summary, that there's nothing good about it, the getting of wisdom doesn't compensate for the loss of flexibility, memory loss and ill health of those you love.

My friend Judy died last year. She was the person I told everything to. She was my best friend, my extra sister, my true mother, sometimes even my daughter, she was all these things, and one day she called up to say, the weirdest thing has happened, there's a lump on my tongue. Less than a year later, she was dead. She was sixty-six years old. She had no interest in dying, right to the end. She died horribly. And now she's gone. I think of her every day, sometimes six or seven times a day. This is the weekend she and I usually went to the spring garden and antiques show in Bridgehampton together. The fire screen in the next room is something she spotted in a corner of that antiques show, and above the fireplace is a poster of a seagull that she gave me only two summers ago. It's June now; this is the month one or the other of us would make corn-bread pudding, a ridiculous recipe we both loved that's made with corn-bread mix and canned cream corn. She made hers with sour cream, and I made mine without. "Hi, hon", she would say when she called. "Hi, doll." "Hello, my darling." I don't think she ever called me, or anyone else she knew, by their actual name. I have her white cashmere shawl. I wore it for days after her death; I wrapped myself up in it; I even slept in it. but now I can't bear to wear it because it feels as if that's all there is left of my Judy. I want to talk to her. I want to have lunch with her. I want her to give me a book she just read and loved. She is my phantom limb and I can't believe I'm here without her.

.....

My friend Henry died a few months ago. He was what we refer to as one of the lucky ones. He died at eighty-two, having lived a full, rich, and successful life. He had coped brilliantly with macular degeneration - for almost two years, most of his friends had no idea that he couldn't see - and then he wrote a book about going blind that will probably outlast all the rest of his accomplishments, which were considerable. He died of heart failure, peacefully in his sleep, with his adoring family around him. The day before his death, he asked to be brought a large brown accordian folder he kept in his office. In it were love letters he had received when he was younger. He sent them back to the women who'd written them, wrote them all lovely notes, and destroyed the rest. What's more, he left complete, detailed instructions for his funeral, including the music he wanted - all of this laid out explicitly in a file on his computer he called "Exit".

.......

"I don't want to die," Judy said.

"I believe in miracles," she said.

"I love you," she said.

"Can you believe this?" she said.

No, I can't believe it. I still can't believe it.

But let's not be morbid.

Let's put little smiley faces on our faces.

LOL.

Eat, drink and be merry.

Seize the day.

Life goes on.

It could be wore.

And the ever popular "Consider the alternative."

And meanwhile, here we are.

What is to be done.

I don't know. I hope that's clear. In a few minutes I will be through with writing this piece, and I will go back to life itself. Squirrels have made a hole in the roof, and we don't know quite what to do about it. Soon it will rain; we should probably take the cushions inside. I need more bath oil. And that reminds me to say something about bath oil. I use this bath oil I happen to love. It's called Dr. Hauschka's lemon bath. It costs about twenty dollars a bottle, which is enough for about two weeks of baths if you follow the instructions. The instructions say one capful per bath. But a capful gets you nowhere. A capful is not enough. I have known this for a long time. But if the events of the last few years have taught me anything, it's that I'm going to feel like an idiot if I die tomorrow and I skimped on bath oil today. So I use quite a lot of bath oil. More than you could ever imagine. After I take a bath, my bathtub is as dangerous as an oil slick. But thanks to the bath oil, I'm as smooth as silk. I am going out to buy more, right now. Goodbye.

839

2012-01-09T17:22:00.007+11:00

I figured out that the last time I gutted a fish was in 1993 at Sprouce Coulee in Cypress Hills Provincial Park, Alberta Canada.

I was dating and living with my then Park Ranger and we'd gone camping near his parents, on the banks of this gorgeous lake.

We borrowed his dad's canoe and were the only ones on the water. I don't remember it being summer, but it was sunny and warm. I have a photo somewhere of him paddling at the end of the canoe, it was like an Indian canoe, quite wide and deep. He then took a photo of me lounging back reading the latest Bon Appetit and Gourmet. Occasionally I'd look over the side and trail my hand across the surface of the water. Out the back I could see his spinners trawling through the water and occasionally a fish chasing madly after it.

We caught fish that day and I gutted my first fish. We were the only ones there and bbqed our fish over the fire we lit when the sun started to go down.

Today the story isn't quite so romantic. The fish were already dead when I bought them but I did gut them myself. Some things you just never forget.

838

2012-01-08T14:16:00.002+11:00

Another birthday party - tick.

Leila's 5th birthday and the years have flown by. Last year we had a low key affair in one of the nearby parks and she was keen to do the same this year. However it poured down all night and into today, of course the sun's shining now! Her two requests were tiggy and hide and seek, but we replaced them with pass the parcel, a pinata, musical statues and pin the tail on the donkey.

I forget that some of Leila's friends from kinder this year are a good 18 months younger than her, so some were quite timid, but I hope they enjoyed themselves, the birthday girl did.

This year's cake, a fairly low key request for a cross between a princess and a wedding cake! It had to have three layers and be vanilla inside and out. She's happy, next year, school!!

837

2012-01-04T16:33:00.002+11:00

The books I read during 2011.

A visit from the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan
Adultery and Other Choices by Andre Dubus
Amacord by Marcella Hazan
Island Beneath the Sea by Isabel Allende
Lady in the Lake by Raymond Chandler
Landfall by Helen Gordon
Light Years by James Salter
Never let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
Nomad by Ayaan Hirsi Ali
Something to Tell You by Hanif Kureshi
The Blindfold by Siri Hustvedt
The Keep by Jennifer Egan
The Summer without Men by Siri Hustvedt
The Tiger's Wife by Tea Obrecht
What is the What by Dave Eggers

No stinkers in that bunch. My favourite, A visit from the Goon Squad.

836

2012-01-03T18:46:00.006+11:00

For me, summer is all about stone fruit. There was an ad here in Australia a few years ago. A man alone sitting on the edge of a high mountain peak crying while in the background Wendy Matthew's song "The day you went away" played. I do feel a little bit like that when they're finished for another year, which is why eat of them so copiously.

In a medium pan make a weak sugar syrup. All this depends on preference, I don't like it too sweet so for me a 1/3 - 1/2 cup of sugar to perhaps 1 1/2 cups of water. Throw in the juice of an orange and a long strip of its zested skin and bring to the simmer. Make a tiny incision in the peach skin, around the stalk, to assist in getting the skins off later. Gently place your peaches stalk side down first (the syrup will only come 1/3 to 1/2 the way up and simmer for about 8 mins. Then turn over and simmer for a further 8 minutes. That time's for fairly firm peaches to a fairly soft finish - again, depends on your taste.

Fish out the peaches and you'll see that the skin's become loose. If it still seems really firm, you may need to cook longer, otherwise you won't easily get the skins off and no lovely smooth finish. Set the peaches aside to cool. Put the syrup back on the heat, medium, and reduce until you're happy with the consistency. I added the juice of half a lemon and also perhaps 1/4 tsp of vanilla bean paste. When it's cooled strain for a lovely clear sauce.

To remove the peach skins it really should just be a matter of pushing them slowly back. If you have any resistance just be gentle and patient if you want them to be lovely and smooth otherwise, yank away!

Serve with a big scoop of good vanilla icecream or equally some lovely vanilla bean yoghurt and a good splosh of the sauce.

835

2012-01-03T14:42:00.004+11:00

One of my quirks, not a particularly classy one, is that I like my poached eggs (very soft poached eggs) with a little ketchup. I squeeze a round blob right on the centre, on top, then slice it through the eggs and kind of mash it around until mixed to a lovely shade of orangey red, then I gobble it up.

834

2012-01-02T16:10:00.004+11:00

Our gorgeous blondey babe. Your tangled curls, may you always look so sunkissed. You came late to the idea of birthday celebrations, but in the past year have caught onto the benefits of being the centre of attention for the day. This year you've embraced the festivities and it's lovely to see you enjoying the attention and love of those most important to you.

5 years old today - I can hardly believe it. You still come into bed with me every morning and snugggle in, you still need many cuddles and kisses during the day. I probably baby you, I know I do, but there is a shared experience with many other mothers that they want to hang on to their youngest when they know there won't be another.

I'm not worried about you my love. You're such a tender hearted soul, but there is strength to your character as well. I believe you know your worth in this world and won't accept anything less from anyone, it's a wonderful strength to have.

You are a funny girl, making us laugh. You are extremely generous, tender with those you love most, ever considerate, a care for us beyond your years.

Happy Birthday Leila babe. I couldn't love you more.

833

2012-01-01T12:54:00.001+11:00

We do tend to amuse ourselves.

Happy New Year!

832

2012-01-01T12:20:00.006+11:00

Many of my colleagues at work are a good 10-15 years younger than me, so in their world NYE is a big night. I was asked the question of what I was doing a lot this past week. I felt no reservations in saying I was staying at home and celebrating with my favourite people in the whole world.

We had good champagne (although one bottle is NOT enough), some dark and stormies, the girls had strawberry lemonade cocktails. We had a selection of tapas, bbq corn tostadas, parmesan and pesto toasts, bbq prawns with pico de gallo, homemade pizza, tropical fruit salad with icecream. We talked, we danced and Geoff woke me from my couch slumber at two minutes past midnight.

I've spoken about how challenging this year has been for my family and I. Today we've commenced a new year and I have to say that my darling brother died last year which in itself shows how time marches ever forward. The girls, Geoff and I have all had our separate struggles but honestly, at the core of it all some things have never changed. I and we are healthy. I have a wonderful family whom I love so much. I need to focus more on gratitude for what I have and acceptance of those things I can't change. I need to be a little more adaptable in my attitudes and more forgiving of those closest to me.

I'm looking forward to this year. I won't also include my goals to eat better, exercise more as those are generally a given aren't they? I want to wish you all the best for this new year, you have all added pleasure to my days with your words either in response to my own, or through sharing the events in your life and those of your family. Roll on 2012.

831

2011-12-27T18:00:00.006+11:00

I love this quilt, love, love, love it. I will find it hard to part with, but passing it on to a long awaited babe will make the parting much much easier. Love the crinkly just washed look. Squaring up and binding to take care of. My binding has been a little freestyle in the past, but I'm going to look me up a youtube instruction and aim for perfectly mitred corners on this one.

830

2011-12-26T18:20:00.004+11:00

Our little scooter girl loves her new wheels. Today, first day she's ever consented to wear pants, let alone jeans. "I look sporty don't I". Indeed you do!

829

2011-12-26T18:07:00.005+11:00

Ella snapped these on Boxing Day and there was a story that went along with them.

There was a sad lonely boy.

He went to a disco and saw a girl. She danced for him.

He fell in love with her because she was such a good dancer.

They kissed and lived happily ever after.

828

2011-12-26T17:59:00.004+11:00

Crazy Christmas Day sky.

827

2011-12-25T08:52:00.001+11:00

Merry Christmas from me and mine, to you and yours.

Stay safe.

x

826

2011-12-23T18:18:00.003+11:00

I was simply too weary to tackle gingerbread houses this year. We have made them every year, but this year I've been kind to myself and just said, I can't manage it. We did, however, made gingerbread trees. We've had an extra child on board, a dear child to us, for the past few days, but the dynamic of three is a little challenging. She's Ella's best friend and the two of them are very tight, so the little one feels left out. It's a hard balance, sharing, but allowing the older ones space.

I confess about 3pm I was wondering why I had to do extra things to drive myself crazy, like baking gingerbread in 30+ weather. But, they had fun and honestly, that's the reason why you do these things, or why I do at least.

Tempering chocolate for peppermint bark was a disaster in humid weather, so I'll give that a whirl again in the morning.

We're off to my outlaws for Christmas Eve festivities tomorrow but right now I'm going to sit in the garden and enjoy a glass of prosecco with a slice of lime. Chin chin.

825

2011-12-19T17:43:00.004+11:00

What a difference a year makes.

Kinder Christmas concert 2010. Tears, not wanting to go, refusing to put on her tshirt or anything resembling Christmas. Me sitting with her in the performance, singing all the songs, doing all the gestures while she cringed behind me. The concert ended with me saying thank you to the teachers in tears, desperate at how poorly I was mothering my littlest child, not knowing whether returning for a second year was the right thing.

Fast forward to 2011. A little girl who couldn't sleep last night because she was so excited about the concert. Her outfit chosen days in advance and laid out in readiness. A little girl who didn't take off her Christmas hat once, despite the fact I know it and her tinsel was itching her.

A little girl who grinned from ear to ear, sang, did movements and beamed at her parents and sibling, and both sets of grandparents who stood watching her in awe. A little girl who ran over and declared today "the happiest day ever".

What a wonderful year it's been for her.

824

2011-12-19T09:59:00.003+11:00

Ella's school have a secret Santa every year, with a limit of $5.00. It's quite challenging to find something good for that price and this year Ella was determined to make her gift.

The fabric and thread we had, but lavender we no longer have in our garden. We happened to venture to the Prahan market on Saturday and there they were selling bunches of lavender for ..... $5.00!

I hope the gift is received with the same warm heart with which it is given.

823

2011-12-18T22:54:00.001+11:00

One day we'll have a woodfired pizza oven and a garden big enough to house it. For now we have regular gas oven and it does the job just fine.

Pizza night has been off the menu for a while, but whenever we sit down to it, I wonder why we don't do it more often.

822

2011-12-18T22:09:00.006+11:00

Nougat has been on our Christmas baking/making list for the past couple of weeks. It's been scheduled as a gift for kinder and school teachers, along with mint and orange truffles, salted caramels and gingerbread snowflakes.

I haven't made nougat before, but was quite entranced when I saw the lady from Dolci in North Melbourne making it on the SBS Italian series. I thought then that I'd like to give it a go. I probably would have sooner than now, except I'm not terribly fond of nougat, and it's always more fun to make goods that you enjoy consuming yourself.

Today though, with tomorrow being the last day of kinder, was d day.

How would I describe nougat making? Not difficult, but a bloody nightmare to clean up and very hard to cut! In the recipe I used the pieces were completely square, perfectly, flat smooth and perfect. Our are a little more rustic and believe me when I say both mine and Geoff's backs went into cutting up the buggers - they're tough.

So, the taste, I actually don't mind it at all. It's so pretty. I think I'll have a massive wash up again as Geoff's family would love it. Tomorrow, truffles.

821

2011-12-14T19:08:00.002+11:00

We started a little Christmas baking today, although only to try out some new cutters. We have a positive frenzy planned for the weekend, the idea being to gift to teachers and some friends and family. On the menu are nougat with pistachio and cranberry, espresso truffles (we've bought special moulds for those), salted caramels and we saw a great idea for hot chocolate on a stick, oh and another version of ganache in a jar. It's not really hot chocolate weather here, of course, but what the heck.

820

2011-12-13T14:57:00.003+11:00

Our house is decorated and I feel very "of the season", but I find it hard to capture the look as they are smaller details rather than a full flurry of big statement items.

These pieces are all on our large built in unit in our lounge/dining, our main (who am I kidding - only) living area.

I'm feeling very festive right now. I have a stiff neck from gift wrapping; the house smells like a delicious mix of butter, orange and vanilla as pannetone is out of the oven. The smell I'd love to add to the mix is the warm spiciness of mulled wine! Perhaps after 5.....

819

2011-12-13T14:46:00.005+11:00

I've finished appliqueing the top for a friend's pending baby arrival. I am so pleased. I find the tree so appealing and know that when it's completed I will find it very hard to part with this one. I do intend to launch into another for a second friend and then my niece is expecting a baby (I was a very young aunty!) so there's another.

This is for a baby girl, do you think it would suit a boy as well? perhaps with blue leaf accents?

I'm now trying to decide on the backing fabric and came across the one below yesterday, although in a teal colourway. I dithered because it's 20% linen to 80% cotton and I wasn't sure how softly it would wash. Today I'd decided it would do and went to purchase to see it had gone offline. What do you think, is it a good enough match to warrant some searching?

818

2011-12-11T18:34:00.004+11:00

Even at my age new acquaintances still ask how many siblings I have. I still answer three and I think I always will. Perhaps a qualification will come for some, at a later point, but I had three brothers and will always feel that I have/did, I'm not sure which sits best, both have issues.

We're not a religious family so I don't have faith to draw upon, I only have my own personal reserves, memories and hopes for the future. I don't have tradition to deal with death, for me it's just loss. There is no celebration of anything after, for anything after is simply less than there was before.

We had a small service in a chapel at the cemetary, but as Mike was cremated, there is no tombstone to visit. The cemetary is in Springvale, a long way from where any of our lives are lived, but it had relevance to Mike. Leaving him there, or his ashes at least, didn't mean anything to any of us.

We've all measured our loss and handled it in different ways. My parents have ordered a gorgeous custom made bench which they will install in their garden in a lovely spot with gorgeous views. Loved ones have provided small plaques to add to the bench with messages of memorium. We have planted a pomegranite tree which is growing like wildfire and we call it Mike.

For us, we have Mike sitting with us in our lounge room. It's a rare honest, relaxed photo of him from a couple of Christmas' ago and we're so happy to have it. He sits with us through the days and I talk to him, cry with him and smile at all he was to me. We light a candle for him in the evenings, we make sure he has fresh flowers, two things he wouldn't have been the least bit interested in. The girls also take care of him. Quite spotaneously they include him in our family events. At Halloween he was covered in fake cobwebs and spiders and now he's decorated for Christmas with the little elves arms around him. That's all Leila, they're taking care of him, she says.

Tomorrow marks four months since Mike passed. I feel about the end of the year as I did about the drive back after we'd lost him. As much as 2011 has been so dreadful to us, to him, it was the year when we lost him, but also the last year when we had him with us. Closing this chapter, beginning the first year from day one without him, feels a new challenge in and of itself. The measuring of time, for having lost last year, diminishing not one ounce the pain, but somehow a greater expectation of acceptance.

817

2011-12-07T19:05:00.004+11:00

Far from perfect, kinda like me, but I love it all the same and so do the girls, which is what counts most.

It reminds me a little of my dear friend Lena, who's Danish, simple and yet stylish. Lena, if you're reading, I know I've been hopeless and I'm sorry, using the old cliche "it's not you, it's me". Let's try and talk before you go home for Christmas, let me know when that is. xx

816

2011-12-07T13:30:00.004+11:00

Block printing is nowhere near as easy as I'd imagined it would be. Given that there's a lot of room for improvement in terms of my preparations, clearing a space, getting everything properly prepped. The reality of our life in a small house means that our kitchen table is where everything happens, so I just can't have it tied up for ages.

I loved the carving part and inspired by Leslie's prints (onegirl) I figured I'd give it a go. You can see the results are quite mucky. The bits around the edges can be easily fixed by using one piece per cut, whereas I squeezed three onto one lino piece. In terms of how to get a nice fully coloured clear image, not sure on that one. If I inked more heavily, the gaps that I wanted clear of colour became filled too.

I'm relatively confident that once edged and hung as a string of somewhat Christmasy flags in the girls rooms I'll forgive the myriad of muck ups. I'll let you know.

815

2011-12-06T16:10:00.001+11:00

Some berries from our patch.

814

2011-12-05T12:50:00.003+11:00

It makes me laugh and want to tear my hair out at the same time. The older one trying to hard to win and play according to the rules, the younger one not wanting to lose any of her pieces.

I'll be playing two games with them this afternoon. With Ella I'll be attempting to play by the rules which I've always had trouble remembering, but which she has a good grip of. The other with Leila according to her rules, which will include a story about princes and princesses.

813

2011-12-04T14:48:00.004+11:00

Sunday morning breakfast at our place.

812

2011-12-03T15:09:00.003+11:00

We made a teepee with bamboo sticks, blankets and garden trimmings.

This golden haired girl of ours. Her love for me is fierce. She is tender and thoughtful "no mum, I don't want you to lift a finger, I'll go get the afternoon tea". And off she trots coming back with "tea" and biscuits.

Today when we were coming back from dropping a friend home Leila said to me "when I grow up mum I'm going to live in the most beautiful house." Which I replied I was sure was true. She then said "but you know the most important thing about the house mum? It has to be close to you, because I love you more than anything in the world." May that always be so.

811

2011-12-01T18:48:00.001+11:00

The second, not Pozie, but Alicia Paulson, 2011 decoration finished. One to go.

810

2011-11-30T13:42:00.004+11:00

The advent calendar is hung and eager fingers are busy "looking" at each piece.

The first of this years "Pozie" ornaments is finished.

Two more ticks on the Christmas list.

809

2011-11-29T13:15:00.003+11:00

I do love cherries. I love the way they taste but I love their look even more. Visually I find them utterly utterly appealing.

This year I intended we would go cherry picking. I had visions of sourcing morello cherries, I adore jam made with this tart fruit. I thought I would pickle some to use throughout the year and preserve some in a simple sugar syrup and others in vodka!

So far, this hasn't eventuated and at this time of year there just aren't enough days. I've said for many, many years that the balance is off - we should really work only two days a week and be off for five. However, that IS my reality and yet still I don't get these lovely things done! What's my excuse now!

808

2011-11-29T13:10:00.003+11:00

Our Christmas family finished. Very sweet and apparently Santa (with the pointy hat) is always smaller than Mrs Claus.... who knew?

807

2011-11-27T16:23:00.004+11:00

A challenging weekend is almost over, but I feel like the challenges themselves will hang around for a long while. We returned to Beechworth as a family this weekend, for my eldest brother's birthday gathering, the first time since we lost Mike, approaching four months ago.

My parents lived in Beechworth for many years, I did also for 18 months between overseas trips. It's a town I've always been very fond of, but it seems different now.

We rented a house with my parents, the same one they had booked and stayed in with Mike for a few days a couple of weeks before he passed.

We had a family lunch, the remaining family all together, but it wasn't the same. I know it's not meant to be and I know that eventually you must get used to the new normal, but it was so challenging, the balance was just off.

Two separate but extremely hurtful comments have left me so very very wounded. Neither of them were intentionally unkind, but my oh my, both cut me to the core in very different ways. I'm trying to let go of hurt, to not make unkind words my issue, but unfortunately they just do. Empathy is so essential, not just in times of loss, but it's a characteristic I value very highly, at all times, in all people. The ability to put yourself in someone elses shoes, to consider not just your own perspective, your own wants and needs, but those of others above your own, well I don't know if there is anything I value in myself, or others, more.

As should be the case though, the girls had a lovely time. My brother arranged a treasure on their property and they were thrilled with what they found.

Let's all be kind to each other this week. To ourselves, to those we care most about and those we know little about.

806

2011-11-23T17:57:00.002+11:00

The Christmas crafting has begun. Not sure who's more excited, the youngest or the oldest in this house!

804

2011-11-16T21:44:00.006+11:00

One bowl of homemade pesto, so many memories.

Over 16 years ago, when Geoff and I had decided we were officially going out, he met my parents. We had dinner at Toofeys in Carlton. That was the first time I ate and liked olives, Geoff and my parents also. Small tasty ligurian olives.

When we were first married and travelling around Europe on our honeymoon, we were in Italy when the new olive oils were released. We were in a small village, perhaps Vinci, and they were releasing the new olive oils. There were a few local producers who had set up stands within the shadow of the town's church. There was a charcoal grill where they toasted bread, bruschetta. At the end a lady picked the pieces, rubbed a garlic clove across them, tossed them on a plastic plate and passed them to the next lady who liberally doused them with the vivid green olive and handed them to us. No hard sell, just taste. Peppery, grassy, olivey absolutely delicious, our first taste of new season's oil.

A trip with Geoff's parents through Provence, gosh in the early 2000's. A visit to Arles and the linen bought from a store near the bull ring.

My first herb and vegetable gardens, my own, growing basil, the pleasure the joy of making pesto myself, although my mum's is still better.

These are some of the reasons why food brings me so much job. Thankfully I can resist the eating, keep that within check, but it's the making and the memories that brings, that keep me in the kitchen.

803

2011-11-13T19:27:00.004+11:00

At 3am my mum awoke, as she often has on November 13th, and thought I was pushing about now.

We all slept until 7:45 and then only woken by Ella's morning are you awake and can I come for a cuddle whistle. I then sat up in bed and unwrapped extremely thoughtful gifts from my man, my girls and my parents.

We got showered and dressed and had a lovely time at our local farmer's market. I went to take photos and thought why is the lens shadowed? and realised that I had left the battery in the charger.

We came back and Ella make pikelets for breakfast.

I went to Spotlight and bought some lovely liberty like fabrics.

A dear friend stopped by with a gift.

The four of us went bowling.

We cooked dinner together and Geoff cooked his first ever cake alone - aside from the girls assistance in licking the mixers!

The girls are in the bath and soon my man and I will snuggle on the couch with another glass of wine and some rubbish tv.

Today I turned 42 and the only thing missing was a call from my brother. It's strange but it was the first thought I had when I woke. I opened my eyes, realised that I wouldn't get that call this year and I lay there remembering the sound of his voice and how every year I'd answer the phone and he'd say Happy Birthday Torie. I have/had three brothers, but he's the only one that always called me.

802

2011-11-12T14:53:00.003+11:00

I'm learning some new skills, although perhaps not as quickly as I'd like. I feel it's a confession to admit here, with some people who know me in my real life listening, to say that I'm also talking to my professional about my marriage and issues that we have there. I feel that's a real confession, perhaps a slightly guilty one. If I'm honest though, it's more because I find it hard to admit that we need help, so that flows through to it being hard having others know that we need help.

There's no secret to our situation, to where we find ourselves, it's just that somewhere along the way we lost each other and couldn't find our way back without help. It's not a case of a lack of love, quite the opposite, we just both let life, our responsibilities as parents, commitments to employers and everyone else, get in the way of our responsibilities and commitments to each other.

So now we both talk to someone, different people, about the things going on in our lives. We're making changes, slowly. I am an eager person, keen to commit to things and get decisions moving, so I find the process challenging. I can feel personal changes and commit to trying to be different, but it takes time to unlearn bad habits, and I find that extremely frustrating. I just want us to be back where we were for all those years, now! Geoff's person described me as a green banana, in terms of that frustration with the process. I'm not sure I've evolved enough to appreciate that just yet.

Part of what we've relearned, for we used to have this skill, is to slow down, to relax. Our weekends were a constant whirl of feeling we had to do this and must finish doing that, and I've already learned that those are negative messages to send to oneself. We would get ourselves and the girls wound up with all the tension, the rushing, the pressure that we only put on ourselves, to get stuff done and honestly, it was just STUFF.

We are now slowing down. Last weekend was wonderful and this weekend is measuring up to be the same. Slow starts in bed, girls chatting under the covers about all sorts of things. Daddy going for a run, the girls and I making a picnic breakfast to have outside which we didn't eat until 10am. Pottering in the garden, the girls building lego, playing fairies in the bushes, everything just happening slowly and in such a relaxed manner. We even managed to read the papers without interuption!

This afternoon we're going to have some fun, we're rembering how to do that, and I'm loving every minute of it.

801

2011-11-07T14:38:00.003+11:00

That's him and me. Apart we're ourselves but together we're always us.

Film grain is kinder to me, I feel, as the years pass, but I honestly feel he looks as delicious now as when I first laid eyes on him 16 years ago. When we met I thought he was student, he looked so young and sweet, even now he looks the same, kind sweet and gentle as he is.

13 years my love. I think this year can be especially good.

800

2011-11-02T13:46:00.001+11:00

A cafe date with my love this morning. Her favourite word right now is brilliant, which she pronounces with the most wonderful trill.

799

2011-11-01T16:47:00.004+11:00

A special dinner with Nan and Pa, lots of fun. The girls were sad because no-one knocked on our door for treats, if only we could have scrounged up someone! Next year we'll organise something via our kinder so they can wander the streets in costume.

I have spared my poor parents the public embarassment of showing photos of them here, but they were the horny devils. My dad has white grey hair and mo and made us laugh no end as he'd blacked out his mo and sideburns with mum's mascara. I was a fortune teller, complete with chocolate eclair (the lolly kind) necklace as I couldn't find gold coins. I'd be happy to embarass myself here, but no photos of me! Leila was Lizzie the Littlest Witch and Ella was a corpse bride. Lots of fun.

798

2011-10-30T15:35:00.002+11:00

Have you ever travelled overseas on on your own? Purely on your own, finding your way, marvelling at the world and all that you're seeing for the first time? Can you remember that feeling, a mixture of invincibility, passion, excitement, as if anything were possible? You travel for an extended period and I think it's that more than anything that you're trying to hang onto. It's a hard feeling to describe, for me at least, a little like falling in love, that heady mixture of lust and longing that overpowers youand takes you breathe away. The trip ends and you promise yourself that you'll find a way to keep that feeling in your life, so that it never leaves you and life always looks so full of possibility.

I have this feeling wash over me from time to time, today is one of those times. My small family are out and my favourite music is on, loud, and I have a desire to run. I don't want to run away from anyone, but to run to that something that pulls at my chest.

It's a longing for all I think of, dream of, want from this life of mine. It's wanting to see something new, to lie in a field when a storm is raging around me, it's wanting to paint a picture and have people look at it, it's wanting to fall in love with my love all over again. It's intoxicating and I wish I could hold onto it and do something amazing when it overtakes me again.

797

2011-10-30T11:09:00.004+11:00

796

2011-10-26T13:21:00.006+11:00

I'm taking advice from a professional. Sounds a bit serious, but it's a choice, so therefore I guess it's just a good thing, for me.

Since Mike died I've spent an awful lot of time with my own thoughts, too much really, and although I've struggled with it the most, my struggles have impacted upon the rest of my little family unit. Add that to that other challenges that we're facing and I just felt it was too much for me to manage alone.

I guess I was a little depressed, although now we've had a few sessions, it appears that it's more that I'm anxious. I didn't realise that, not just in these circumstances, but I think I've always been anxious, if I consider the things I've always said to myself, inside my head.

We've started talking about CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). In very very simple terms (those I can understand) it refers to the language we use with ourselves, inside our own heads, in reaction to others and to ourselves. We can't control how others behave, but we can control how we react to others.

I was/am a bit cynical and my cynicism is welcomed. Once we started discussing it and I got over the fact that it sounded a little new agey, I realised how negative I am with myself.

It's as simple or complicated (I think it's both) as saying things to myself like"I need to do the washing when I get home", "I have to get on top of the ironing tonight", "I should be better at being organised than I am" etc, etc. As soon as you tell yourself "I should be better" you then feel the implications of all that means when you either don't get time to do something, get interupted, or whatever.

I realised that every day I started myself off with an internal dialogue of running down a long long list of things I had to do, think about, calls to make blah blah blah. I started every morning feeling defeated before I even began doing anything.

Yesterday when I left my appointment I really thought about what she'd said. It was early afternoon, I had to get home and make dinner, had things still to prepare for our kinder's AGM, get Ella to basketball, then back, make a cake for the meeting etc etc etc. I normally punish myself if I pull the pin on one of our activities (ie basketball) but yesterday I said to myself that I couldn't manage everything that day and therefore I chose not to go. That sounds a bit too simple, but it made a difference. I didn't feel guilty about not going. I had a choice and I made it, I was okay with that.

I often punish myself for the things I don't do with Leila, the activities we don't get around to doing, feeling she's missing out, that I'm a bad mother for not focussing solely on her.

Today I decided I wouldn't feel guilty, I would just slow down and be.

We walked to school and back, meeting friends for a chat along the way. We got home and worked on Leila's Halloween outfit and finished it. We pottered in the garden and then Leila decided we should have a picnic for lunch, which we did.

I haven't made dinner yet and I would normally be clock checking by now, getting myself wound up about all I had to do, but today I'm just choosing not to do so. Dinner will get made, I will get to school in plenty of time, we'll go to swimming lessons and come home and it will all get done.

Apparently I need to exercise more, listen to music and pamper myself, as well as continuing to work on all the above. It's made a small difference in a short amount of time, I'm surely not too old to learn new things, so perhaps there are yet great days ahead.

795

2011-10-24T18:21:00.003+11:00

The passage of a 3YO kinder session. Making fairy gardens with clay and found natural objects; drawing and pasting at the sticking table; feeding Biscuit once big sister arrived from school; there was also some show and tell mixed in (a big hit in this house) and a little game of little monkeys at the end. There was also a toilet accident (not mine) and a huge vomit on our fruit table (also not mine), but hey, that's what happens at kinder.

794

2011-10-23T09:45:00.002+11:00

When we went to Thailand I popped into Hill of Content to pick up some holiday reading. This was one of three books that I took with me, completely on the recommendation of one of the learned chaps in the shop. Now I'm recommending it to you.

The chapters are self contained and yet linked to every other chapter. You meet characters in the first chapter at a certain point in time and it is a moment in its entirety. In the next chapter you pick up one of the characters from the previous chapter and follow them into another period in their lives and so on, with characters and chapters all tightly interwoven. The subjects are all somehow linked to the music industry and although you only get snippets of each it's strangely very very satifsying.

Try it, I hope you like it.

793

2011-10-16T16:34:00.003+11:00

As if the cake didn't give it away.

A change of style this year, for Ella's 8th birthday party, with a rockclimbing afternoon. It definitely brought out the competitive side of our eldest.

I realised today, after being able to leave the party room with the mess stacked but still there, that my least enjoyable part of any party/dinner/having people over event, is the dishes. We're a non dishwasher house (the mechanical kind) and for me being able to leave the dishes, meant it was a party for me too!

792

2011-10-12T13:46:00.003+11:00

Does anyone else struggle to keep hold of themselves as I do? I find keeping myself in balance, keeping all aspects of my life balanced, challenging.

I try to resist getting too negative as ultimately you're already feeling down if you're in that mindset. I don't mean depressed as such, just too thoughtful. I need plenty of free thinking space, me in my own mind space, and of late I haven't had much of that. I am perhaps unlike others in that I don't need time to catch up with girlfriends, go shopping, do a movie or those things, although all lovely, as much as I just need time with myself, to ponder.

I'm going to try and have next year as my action year. It's the last year I'll have Leila at home with me before school and I always promised (myself) that when both girls were at school, I would start to try and fulfill some of my perceived potential.

I am trying to believe more, in myself, in life, in all it can be. I'm hopeful that I can become a part of the things that I admire and am so interested in. I hope that relationships which I value most can survive and again provide that soft place we all need so much. I hope the future holds good health for those who are fighting so hard to attain or retain it.

I just want life to be amazing, for now they're not just words, but I really appreciate that it's never long enough, and forever is such a long time.

791

2011-10-12T13:27:00.004+11:00

The girls and I all like these books. Illustrative books showing you the "how to" of various subjects, in this case fairies.

I don't usually get too much input into which character is selected, but am just expected to produce the colouring sheet for them to work on. I enjoy the challenge but invariably they're disappointed with me when I get to the facial features. I can fudge the rest, but I always let them down with my somewhat warped facial features. Leila did 2/3 of this, seriously, before she ran out of steam, over an hour later. The next one on the list is a mother fairy with a baby fairy in her arms, nestled inside a flower in the middle of a whole field of wildflowers!

790

2011-10-10T19:23:00.004+11:00

One of Ella's birthday presents, from my parents, was a Zoku Quick Pop Maker. I can't give you the link, as I still can't get that function to work, but it's available in places like house.

We made a pineapple and passionfruit juice and a fruit smoothie with apple juice, a banana, frozen raspberries, blueberries and fresh stawberries. Pour said liquids into the Quick Pop Maker and literally, I kid you not, 7 minutes later you have delicious popsicles!

For our second batch (I know, but the first batch was so healthy) we mixed full cream milk with left over whipped cream and chocolate ganache from Ella's cake. They were nice too, like a watery Paddlepop, again lovely but not really sweet at all.

You NEED to get one of these, you won't be able to resist! Tomorrow we're doing an external shell of raspberry puree filled with vanilla yoghurt!

789

2011-10-10T19:15:00.004+11:00

788

2011-10-10T14:54:00.002+11:00

This little one certainly keeps me on my toes. I could never say I have it all figured out where she is concerned. So tough and self assured one moment, like a timid little cat the next, hiding under the bed just waiting to be coaxed out.

These photos are a study in pigtails - so gorgeous for her first day back at kinder. Upon arrival there were "too many looks" and despite my assurances that it was because she was so delicious, they were duly removed by mum. At least I have the photos.

787

2011-10-09T17:23:00.003+11:00

Our darling Ella turned 8 today. She looks older. Over the holidays her body seems to have begun a bit of a stretch, such lovely long lean limbs, nut brown from our holiday. She is a very elegant and gracious child, measured moves, quite poised really.

Brunch, of her choosing, with nan and pa included poached pears with vanilla yoghurt, fruit smoothies, corn fritters with bacon, slow roasted tomatoes and a "sunny" egg on top. Family in the afternoon too, for a chocolate on chocolate affair.

Of all the things in my life of which I'm proud, being allowed the absolute privilege of mothering this beautiful girl, gives me the most joy.

786

2011-10-05T15:40:00.001+11:00

One of my pieces of perfection turns 8 very, very soon.

785

2011-10-03T19:13:00.004+11:00

And there was plenty of water too.

784

2011-10-03T17:10:00.003+11:00

A few group shots.

783

2011-10-03T15:52:00.004+11:00

Of course there was food and plenty of frosty drinks. I intended to photograph a lot of the lovely dishes we ate, but to be honest, everything was so yummy that I was spending my time eating over photographing!

782

2011-10-02T22:29:00.005+11:00

Truly breathtaking temples.

781

2011-10-02T22:16:00.006+11:00

There were street stalls.

780

2011-09-16T16:42:00.001+10:00

5 weeks today. Strange to think that only 6 weeks ago I was so anxious about this trip, not sure what to do about leaving the country while Mike was so unwell and now over a month has passed.

We're leaving on a jet plane shortly, for sunnier foreign shores. We'll speak in 3 weeks - enjoy the school holidays.

779

2011-09-13T16:27:00.005+10:00

After school snacks.

778

2011-09-13T13:56:00.002+10:00

Mum tells me she'd like something like this for her. In a cushion cover, but not on a white background, because they're mucky. Dad corrected "we have mucky guests"!

2011-09-11T20:40:00.002+10:00

Can I share something light hearted? I'm aware I'm not the most chipper person of late, but this does me giggle like a school girl.

We're going to an evening wedding in October and I set my heart on a 50's style dress. I bought a vintage pattern, was all set to have it made, but after speaking to the dress maker and having her quote me $550 for the making plus all the fabric which I would need 5m of each fabric and liner, I decided I'd try something else.

So, I've bought my first vintage dress. It hasn't arrived yet (etsy shop DearGoldenVintage) but I'm beyond excited about it. The trick is finding a dress that will fit. I have a 28" waist but so many of them are only around 24-25". I didn't want to take on a corset and this one was exactly my measurements. I hope it's as lovely as it looks - soooo excited.

776

2011-09-11T13:06:00.003+10:00

One of my nieces is very modest but gifted young woman, a wonderful writer. I wanted to share a snippet from one of her emails.

"I had a dream on Friday night that we were all up at mum and dad's for a dinner of some kind, and I couldn't find a seat at the table so I was standing beside it while every one talked and ate, and I looked at the chair on the end and there was Mike.

I looked at mum and asked if she saw him there and dad nodded and said something to him, quiet, like to make a fuss would frighten him away, and we all stayed there for a while until he got up. As he walked past, I put my hand on his arm and said 'I really miss you' and he nodded like he always used to and said 'I know'. It was really nice, made me real upset in the morning, but good-sad, like, I don't know, seeing something beautiful again for a moment before it fades away."

775

2011-09-09T17:51:00.002+10:00

Four weeks..

I'm discovering that grief is as they say, something that has many stages.

I was having lunch with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen since Mike passed. She was asking me questions about him, his illness, his passing and I was answering her. It was only as I sat watching the tears stream down her cheeks that I started to hear myself and how I must have sounded to her. My voice was without emotion, quite blunt I guess, just recounting a group of facts. I realised that my demeanour might have made me seem uncaring, as if it didn't hurt to talk about those things.

I tried to explain why I was being the way I was. For me it's like, at this moment, my grief is in a big pot. It's full to the brim with tears, heartache, yearning, loss, regret, but the lid is still on, just hanging on at the edges. As long as I keep the lid on that grief, I can control it. It's not a conscious thing that I'm doing, but that's how I can best describe it. Self preservation. I keep it pushed down otherwise it can just take me over.

Of course I can't do that every day all the time, and it overflows at the most unexpected times. The sad fact is, that life goes on, without him. Perhaps a time will come when that's reassuring in itself, but for now, that is cause enough for the lid to come off.

774

2011-09-06T15:53:00.004+10:00

A friend has a new baby on the way so I'm taking inspiration from a pinterest link and making my first baby quilt. I need a bit more applique action in this house.

I've finally finished the top of my appliqued quilt for our bedroom, but will have to get the quilting done for me as I don't feel I can manage a large queen quilt on my domestic machine. If anyone can recommend anyone to me - Eastern suburbs of Melbourne preferably - that would be great.

772

2011-09-05T14:07:00.003+10:00

My breakfast of choice at the moment. Pears poached with a vanilla bean and the zest and juice of an orange. I have discovered a King Island yoghurt with cinnamon and honey, delicious.

771

2011-09-05T14:02:00.003+10:00

The simplest games are often the best. We're off on early holidays next week, must remember to include these in our back of tricks.

770

2011-09-04T14:20:00.005+10:00

Another weekend.

This one spent with my parents, cooking for them and us at their house, drinking too much wine, eating well and laughing for the first time in a little while.

We woke far too early with over excited girls squealing Happy Father's Day and the younger daddy in the house straining to squeeze his eyes open.

Later in the morning Nan and Pa's garden was trimmed of its flowers and the girls set up a little flower stall, the arrangements which I'm sure are now inside around their house.

An afternoon pottering in our own garden, examining all the buds bursting open, the blossom already falling to the ground, the cycle of things marching ever on.

Today our daddy celebrates with his daddy at the footy - go Tigers. To all the dads out there, to mine and ours particularly, thank you.

769

2011-08-27T16:12:00.003+10:00

A home-style Saturday night "date" night.

768

2011-08-24T21:31:00.004+10:00

I feel I'm a bit of a contradiction. I am very honest and open and I also love to make a fuss of others. Having said that, I don't like attention focussed on me. It's not that unusual, but coupled with the former comment, people are often surprised that I baulk at unnecessary attention.

I haven't spoken to any of my inlaws since I made the drive to the NE. I have only spoken to one close friend, preferring email to actually speaking. Tomorrow I am going back to work, two weeks to the day since I drove to see my darling brother. I'm not normally worried about sharing emotions, but these are private and I feel no desire to share. I know that's a contradiction when I'm sharing with you, but in writing it's different, I write for my own peace of mind, expecting nothing in return. Condolences though, I'm anxious about condolences, face to face, that I can't respond to later, and I don't feel the ability to be gracious.

767

2011-08-24T09:41:00.003+10:00

A single moment in time.

766

2011-08-21T15:38:00.002+10:00

Thank you all for your kind words.

16 March, 1957 to 12 August, 2011

2011-08-12T16:30:00.003+10:00

I don't want the sun to go down on this day. It's strange that yesterday as we drove to say our goodbyes it was such a perfect afternoon and everything looked so especially beautiful. Returning only 24 hours later it is equally as perfect and yet today I don't want the sun to go down. Everything is different now, tomorrow a new life begins for us all, one without my darling brother in it. He was so brave, so unbelievably strong against the odds and till the very end.

My darling Michael. For all the things you'll never do, and all the things you'll no longer see, I will always carry you with me and you'll always be here. Thank you for always loving me so and making me feel so very special.

764

2011-08-08T13:59:00.004+10:00

Finding it hard to focus on activities right now, but the girls are very sweet at keeping themselves busy, most of the time. Leila got herself busy this afternoon making her own computer and a happy picture for Uncle Mike.

763

2011-08-08T09:24:00.003+10:00

This is the smell of summer for me, completely, and like no other. Buddleia is not the most beautiful of plants, quite scraggy and prone to drooping, but I find the smell as evocative of summer as jasmine. It's a mix between earl grey tea with a faint daphne-like perfume mixed in, probaby stronger when you smell it on the breeze than when you sniff it up close. I remember my childhood in Mimosa Road, playing under a tree at the very back of our yard, making mud houses out of stones for my barbies and digging a hole in the ground, lining it with a rubbish bag and filling it with water to make a pool. I remember lying inside our dog Bruce's kennel and cuddling up to him. I remember snapdragons near the garage which had a mechanics pit in the floor which freaked me out no end. I remember dropping an old fashioned themometer on the floor and pushing the mercury around with a stick, watching it clump and roll.

I remember the smell though, strongest of all, that smell takes me back to that place, to all those moments, to those memories, in but an instant.

762

2011-08-06T21:19:00.001+10:00

On the train ride home last night I sat down looking at all the passengers. I wondered who among them were good people, who'd lived good lives. Had everyone made good choices and lived well? I, irrationally I know, found myself resenting them being there, riding the train with me, being able to just ... be.

I realised that after living a lifetime without loss, over the past 5 years my mother has lost her dearest friend to ovarian cancer. She was in her early 50's, married to the same man since her teens and a mother to teenage boys. Within the last 3 months my father lost his best friend and cousin to stomach cancer. He was married for over 60 years, father to five, grandfather and great grandfather to more than I can count.

Last year a dear friend's father was diagnosed with melanoma cancer and lost his battle only a few short months later. A dear friend at work, her mother beat breast cancer some 15 years go, but now at the age of 62, has liver and numerous secondary cancers.

I cry for those lost, for those who have lost those they love most, for myself, for my parents, for my brothers, for all that will be left but changed forever. Mostly though, I cry most for my darling brother who is being so gracious. For all the pain he's in, for the unfairness of it all, because I love him so and wish so so strongly that this wasn't happening to him.

761

2011-07-27T14:53:00.003+10:00

I can assure you that this isn't the only sunny spot in our house, but clearly it's the best one.

760

2011-07-27T13:33:00.003+10:00

For a while earlier this year Wednesday was mummy and leila day. Life then got in the way of remembering to have fun, but we're getting back on the right track.

Back to Jets gym today and much more confident than last time. The pit of foam (we call it the cheese pit) was avoided last time - too scary. This time, well you can see that she literally threw herself into it. Now she wants to have lessons. So far Leila hasn't really wanted to do any arranged activities and those we've tried (Mini Maestros and swimming lessons) have failed. A bit of time has passed now and it's Leila-led, so I think shortly we'll see what she wants to dip her toes into first.

759

2011-07-26T14:40:00.003+10:00

I've been a mother for almost 8 years and only today did I make my first batch of homemade playdough. Palest of pinks with glitter. A small one who is concentrating oh so hard.

Just of late she seems to need more, more than I can give at home just the two of us. Life always seems so busy, but I'm going to have to schedule more to inspire and occupy her gorgeous little mind.

758

2011-07-24T16:52:00.003+10:00

Geoff back safe and sound, a family weekend gone all too quickly including a 5 hour lunch with new friends which passed in the blink of an eye. Add to that some delicious oven baked doughnuts, this time some with hot jam, my goodness, what more can one wish for? I hope yours was equally lovely.

757

2011-07-18T13:17:00.004+10:00

I really want to share this with you, and although I'm not a techy, the lovely Jo has come to my rescue. I also can't get some blogger functions to work right now, so I've posted the link below.

Get yourself a cup of something warm and have a look.

x

PS - http://www.kinfolkmag.com/magazine/

756

2011-07-18T13:02:00.002+10:00

Ella is a prolific drawer, always has been. Over the years it's been a delight watching how her style has evolved. As with all children a figure starts out as a very rough circle, sometimes with limbs, sometimes not. From there they move along a little, getting real features and perhaps even hair. Ella's developed way beyond that and now has different styles on the go at any one time. I so hope she holds on to the love of and talent for drawing that she does. Of course most parents aren't completely unbiased in the hopes that hold for their children's futures. Some may wish for doctors or lawyers, I hope for a happy artistic child.

755

2011-07-17T17:59:00.002+10:00

A busy weekend and another set of holidays ends.

This weekend saw us celebrating two 40th birthdays with old friends. The first, last night, in a bar in Abbotsford. The birthday girl announced to everyone "thanks for coming and to those of you who brought presents you shouldn't have. Some of you will know we're just back from a week in Bali and also wanted to mention that we got married. Thanks." The said couple are a very different but good match, have been together for perhaps 10 years I guess and have a young daughter just over one.

Today saw us at the Tut exhibition, which was wonderful, all four of us thought so. This afternoon saw us at another 40th, a friend firstly of Geoff's for about 24 years, mine for about 17 years. A big family gathering, a very amusing speech from his wife, a lovely afternoon.

Now my love is on a plane and will be away from us for a week. I know it's something some of you are very used to, but not us, we little chicks really do like to stick together and find ourselves all muddled when we're not.

This week, back to school, managing without our anchor, me busy with kinder enrolment activities, speaking to the bank about a house we may want to buy in a couple of weeks (eeeck!) lots of stuff going on. First challenge, figuring out how the alarm works, a task I never have to take care of!

754

2011-07-13T14:40:00.004+10:00

A lot of fun I have to say. I LOVE bowling, although this is only the second time in probably the last 20 years! This and rollerskating, which we did last holidays, honestly I have thoughts of joining a bowling league and training for the roller derby!

753

2011-07-09T17:08:00.004+10:00

We had a family lunch at my parents's again today, a chance for us all to get together once more.

The drive was far too much for Mike, we should all have realised that. 3.5 hours each way, for a lunch, is too much for a well person, but it's done now.

Two weeks have passed since we saw him last. He's lost weight, he's very tired, he's clearly in some discomfort. We'll plan to go up again soon, rent a house and stay for a few days. I'll look into it now.

752

2011-07-04T08:39:00.003+10:00

A very lazy weekend ahead of a few very busy ones. Walks around our neighbourhood on a treasure hunt, baking anzacs (which I'm informed aren't as good as Pa's, but still good), pizza night and early to bed.

School holidays - hooray! I do love the pace of holidays, although there never seems enough time to squeeze everything in. By the time you remove 2 working days for me each week, it's only 6 days of holidays. We're going to try and cram in haircuts, perhaps lunch with daddy, breakfast at Heide, movies to see Kung Fu Panda II and a play date with friends. Next week a sleepover at nan and pas, visiting the Archibald works at Tarra Warra and another play date. Ahhh and that's it - with two 40ths, a dinner out with friends and a family lunch squeezed in for good measure. I'm exhausted already.

The other good thing about these holidays is that it means it's only one more term before we head off on our first overseas adventure together. Now that's something to get excited about!

751

2011-06-29T13:21:00.005+10:00

She really is so very capable.

750

2011-06-27T16:16:00.003+10:00

Campfire day at kinder today. I walk past the kinder on the way to collect Ella from school and always have a sneaky peak through the fence to see what the little one's up to. She's so much happier this year, I can't believe I ever questionned the second year of 3 year old, it was completely the right thing to do. A lovely group of children but most of all, a very happy and outgoing little girl.

749

2011-06-24T17:20:00.002+10:00

We have a visitor this weekend. Biscuit is in the house.

748

2011-06-22T15:52:00.003+10:00

I had a moment today. It feels like the grieving begins as soon as you find out a loved one is unwell. When you know that there is no chance of recovery, you feel the weight of that loss already weighing on your body and it slows you down. Spending time with them, even just speaking of them, is pleasure and pain together.

My parents drove my brother back to his home today, they said he was in quite some pain. It wasn't a long conversation, but it was enough to bring me to tears. Leila asked me what was wrong and I always answer honestly, so I said I was upset about Uncle Mike because he was feeling bad. That gorgeous babe rubbed my back and said "don't cry mum, I know it's hard, but try not to be too upset." She then made a picture of "a happy place" and said perhaps we could send it to Uncle Mike, to make him better. We'll send it tomorrow.

747

2011-06-20T14:43:00.002+10:00

How big is your fruit bowl? Today after doing our weekly fruit shop I wondered if ours was bigger than most. There are only four of us and this doesn't include the watermelon, rockmelon and grapes that are chilling in the fridge!

746

2011-06-20T14:40:00.002+10:00

Ella had a party yesterday and came back with this glittery gorgeousness. It made me think of a shimmering mermaid's tail.

745

2011-06-20T14:37:00.002+10:00

A lovely weekend spent with my parents and my darling brother. Love this ready to blow shot. Happy Birthday Dad.