I've been thinking a lot about momentum. Particularly since I've had children, or perhaps just given all that has happened in our lives in the past few years, time has a way of running ahead of us, even in those moments when we feel we'd like to feel pause a little longer at one particular place, or point in time.
I'm very happy. Over the past five years there have been times when the absolute opposite was true, but I'm now happy and I hold that happiness tight to me. I recognise now how hard won happiness can be. In my own relationship and through my own losses I know that you cannot take it for granted and you should do all you can to firstly, be happy and secondly to hold onto happiness.
Of course that's not always within our control. Sometimes others make choices for us whose damaging waves hit us so hard that we simply can't avoid their impact. Sometimes we have to stand by when those we love are being dragged under and are unable to see beyond that very moment, that day, let alone look forward to anywhere close to something you could call a future.
Can you notice the tiny bits of green appearing on these clusters of very dry and dead looking twigs? That's the view outside our kitchen window. Clematis Montana Rubens who will very soon be a wall of green, shortly after covered with gorgeous proud pink blooms that literally raise their heads every morning and flash their petals at me. I look forward to those peaks of green every year. They tell me that warmer weather is on its way, that the sun will begin shining longer, than green and warmth will envelop us again. This happens every year at this time, without fail.
Despite loss, despite suffering and challenge, everything just keeps moving forwards. At times it's far from easy to continue, but we do regardless, partly because we have to, but also because we can.
To lift myself I like to focus on a song that I just can't help but dance to (try this or this), ones that just make you move. I like fresh air, getting outside for a run or walk. Tiny moments in every day can make you feel brighter, if even for a moment. I know the road can be super tough, that it's easy to give in to our challenges, but life will go on, and eventually it will be brighter. In the meantime, focus on the tiny details, the little bits you can manage in each day that can lift you, if even for a moment and eventually, eventually there will be more of those moments in the day than anything else.
Only a few days ago she arrived and now she's gone, 5 days before she should have been. We've known each other for 14 years but I haven't seen her for over three. We used to see each other every day.
She is tender hearted, generous, kind, loving, fragile. She is the person whose company I am easiest in. She listens and hears me. She teases me and tells me when I'm talking crap.
She slept in Ella's room and it still smells like her. I walk around the house and can't believe that she's even been here she went so quickly.
There are times in our lives where we can offer all the support we have to those we love, we can try and walk a difficult journey with them, but ultimately they're only words we offer, we really can't DO anything. Her suffering is like my own, her loss is mine.
Someone has been careless with her heart and now it's in pieces. I can offer words of advice, trying to comfort, but I can't fix anything for her. She feels alone and I want to make it otherwise, but I can't.
You are amazing. You will be okay. You are not alone. I am so very far away, but you are with me every moment and I will send you all the encouragement and support I can. Try and be strong for your small ones.